Dr. Julie Griffith, San Rafael, California

We went to small claims court today.

Funny. There was nothing small about it.


Besides being admonished by the judge right out of the gate for interrupting, I think it went well. I know my 185 page color tabbed binder was a bonus. I think Dr. Griffith was a little overwhelmed by it when the Bailiff showed it to her before he gave it to the Judge. Because I'm not a very good public speaker, it will help fill in some of the facts and blanks which I wasn't able to remember to say or convey.



Time was limited.



The awful Dr. Griffith was there. She showed up 8 minutes late, I might add.

And she got to go first.

And, unfortunately last. Which means some of her lies went without my ability to argue them. Things like she noticed during Dominic's physical examination (which never took place) that his language sounded hoarse. Is this lady nuts? I wanted to stand up in court and scream, "Hey Doc, he doesn't speak! How could you hear his hoarse voice in any language?"



She also continued to mispronounce his name, maybe intentionally, I'm not sure. But she kept calling him Dominique.



One of my favorite comments she made was when she told the Judge that I was anxious at the appointment and I cried a lot. Hmmmm. This Kook had just told me that my son had Dandy Walker, a serious brain malformation that could kill him....and apparently I was anxious and cried during the appointment. Ya think?



My other favorite comment that she kept on repeating was that she gave the Doodle "medical care" when in fact that couldn't have been further from the truth. She barely looked at him for 5 minutes during our entire consultation...he sat in the car with my mom for the remaining appointment. Where was the medical care exactly? She used that term pretty loosely.



Dr. Griffith is seriously delusional. She gave us the opposite of "medical care" and purposely tried to bilk money from me with her grand misdiagnosis and irresponsible prescription of too many anti-seizure drugs to a 2 year old.

How money grubbing is that and how desperate does this make a Doctor look? It's bad enough she is practicing medicine out of her living room at her house.

I didn't cry. Or throw up. I calmly and matter-of-factly made my case that she purposely alarmed me with the elaborate misdiagnosis during the end of my first hour so that I would be so upset, confused and shaken that she could continue the appointment to the tune of $1600. Then I explained how she never gave him an actual physical, yet proceeded to prescribe him two additional drugs; which in my opinion and other "real" doctor opinions could have been the trigger for the head drop seizures.

I made my point that the most outrageous thing of all was how she refused to come to the phone and discuss his adverse reaction to her new drugs without collecting a credit card number first so that she could charge me $400 per hour. She foolishly admitted that she did her best to get me to come back for an appointment so that she could "re-examine" the Doodle. Yeah. She wanted us to come back in the office alright so that she could charge me $500 per hour+++++

As I spoke, I kept thinking, this isn't a small claims matter, it ought to be a malpractice suit in Superior Court. I should have an attorney representing me and we should be asking for damages and pain and suffering. Dr. Griffith's narcissism is unbelievable and the ego on her is bigger than the both of us. With the unhappy former patients of hers, we could forge a class action suit against her for her gross negligence.

I'm very fortunate to have had the support of my mom and step dad. They went to court with me and coached me before and during on what to remember to say. It doesn't hurt that my step dad is a retired Assistant District Attorney in the county and court where we were today; and my mom is a retired District Attorney Investigator from there too.



But ugh. Glad it's over. We don't have a decision yet. The Judge was going to review the materials provided to her (yay. this means my binder.) and then mail us her decision.

So. My fingers are crossed and I am hoping for the best this time that justice will be served. I'll keep you posted.

Big Day Tomorrow

Setting the alarm again for 6:00 am, this time I will have the right day at least for court tomorrow.

Tomorrow we will go before the judge and I will ask for a new hearing because I stupidly wrote the wrong date down for the last small claims hearing.

I'm sure Dr. Julie Griffith of San Rafael, CA will be there bright eyed and bushy tailed to argue why I shouldn't get to be heard, even though we have a very strong case. She has already won by default, technically.

I will be there too with all 185 pages of documentation in my binder which I prepared.

If the judge will not allow our motion based on my mistake, I will be appealing this.

There is no way I am going to let this woman who calls herself a Doctor get away with overcharging for services by alarming the patient and misdiagnosing them in order to keep them in her office longer.

Other people are now coming forward stating similar situations of misdiagnosing with this doctor and it's not right; especially when children are involved.

Doodle

Our Doodle is sick.

And tired.

And sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And not at all his usual terror-self...wreaking havoc all over the house. I think it's been a couple of days now since he purposely broke something.

His fever has been coming and going between 99 and 102.

He just wants to be held.

He's not sleeping well, which means none of us are.

Now he has a cough to go nicely with his fever.

He got up for the first time today in a couple of days and pushed his little shopping cart around.

He's pretty sad.

He wanted nothing to do with getting his picture taken in his new soft and padded hat.

There's nothing worse than having a sick child. My heart aches for him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand why he feels so crummy. He's been holding the back of his head. And I'm trying not to think the worst. I'm hoping it's just a minor headache.

We're giving him Tylenol around the clock, hoping to break the fever before any seizures can come through. Hopefully we're on the way out of this. And hopefully, none of us get this; whatever this is.

Under the Weather

Date night last night was canceled because the Doodle is sick.

Again.

Not sure how he got sick this time since we have barely left the house and he hasn't been in school...no one else is sick around here. But, he's got a 101 fever which feels more like 105 degrees since he insists on laying on top of me with that big, hot head of his. He started getting sick yesterday afternoon and by evening he was feeling pretty crummy. Nobody got any sleep, he was up crying and hallucinating most of the night. I would say seizure activity was up but I can't be 100% sure. I hate it when he's sick because I fear the seizures will come back. Fevers induce seizures in already seizure prone children (and adults). So, I sit here, waiting and watching and hoping for the best. It's Tylenol and extra hugs around here while we wait for his fever to break.

We had Nurse Lulu today so Jim and I went to Olive Garden for lunch and then to see a matinee...we saw, It's Complicated with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin and were both pleasantly surprised. It was a great movie--lots of laughs and Alec Baldwin was perfectly cast. Nothing like a good movie on a grey Sunday afternoon, just the two of us.

Merry Christmas

From the pancake batter throwing Doodle...and his family that loves him anyway.

May your day be dustbuster free and filled with lots of peace, love and happiness.

xo

Christmas Eve

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye. "

Tonight was our annual DeBaca family Christmas minus a whole bunch of DeBacas. It was just my favorite cousin Deanne and her family and my mom and Jerry. But we made the most of it with fun games, festivities and Little Caesars Pizza. It was casual and we had an ugliest Christmas Sweater contest. Jimmy won. We had prizes, played games and even busted out the Sing Star Kareoke competition.

Jim, in true Griswold Family Christmas spirit, broke out the "Eddie" winter hat and underwear. He looked simply sparkly in his Christmas sweater and Ugg boots.

Sorry Ladies, hands off...he's all mine.

Sadly, the Doodle slept for the first part of the party and then spent most of the rest of the night in a time out in his swing. He had at least seven time outs...He was acting crazy. More so than usual. Maybe it was the people and the noise and so he was throwing and OCDing on his dvd's...not that he doesn't do that without a party, but he doesn't do well in different environments. He's used to it being a certain way around here and tonight with the presents and singing it was probably too much for him to handle. Grammy ended up taking him next door to watch his show with her.

Trying to have a normal, family event just further shows me how non-normal life is with the Doodle. It makes me realize how very different life is going to be.

What a night. Now, I'm sitting here waiting for Jimmy and Doodle to go to sleep so that Santa will come.

The Big, Bad, Doodle

He will huff and puff and throw breakables in your house down.

While you can't always prevent it or gauge it--you sure don't know when it's coming and you might not be able to determine the trigger, it always looks the same.

He throws the first thing onto the floor as if to distract you so that he has more time to throw the more damaging items--like a follow up to the first decoy throw.

Crazy eyes.

Heavy breathing. Actual huffing and puffing.

Flailing arms in a fit of frustration.

Things crashing to the floor.

Then the pitter patter of his little feet running quickly toward his swing to give himself a time out.

Just today we had a large clock hit the floor, a cupboard full of tupperware, a glass dish break, a channel changer, a bag of Ruffles with ridges dumped out, all thrown onto the floor in some kind of attempt to either pay us back for something or communicate with us. We will never know.

Cruelty to Animals

I never thought I'd be one of those people who dressed their pet up in silly holiday garb.

But I am.

(te-he-he)

The Spirit

It's getting closer and I can sense that even Coco is getting excited. It's all Jimmy talks about--every day I'm getting the count down to Christmas. I'm not sure what the Doodle is thinking but I'm sure there are spoons and forks involved.

We've been watching a different Christmas movie each night. I think my all time favorite is still A Griswold's Family Christmas. We'll watch that one on Christmas Eve, it's part of our tradition.

Coco has been sleeping in the presents. She scared the dickens out of me the other night when I went to unplug the tree and heard something wrestling around under there. Thought it might be a mouse.

So I thought I would post a picture of our Christmas Tree--the kids did such a great job and I had to add the feathers...because nothing screams Christmas like a boa. And, Jimmy is really proud of it since he picked it out. I think he's under there right now, counting presents.

Real Simple

Doritos, new jammies and that stupid Upside Down Show is all it takes to make the Doodle smile.

Moments in Time

 

This is the first year I think the Doodle knows something is up. He is showing an interest in things like the lights and the Christmas tree we put up and decorated today. He helped out a little bit and put some ornanments on the tree, including two special ornaments that he made at preschool. I can say, where's the tree and he happily points to it. He knows what Santa looks like. He's been poking around in the presents too. Kind of shaking them and beginning to tear the paper on some of them. He's not the least freaked out by my collection of Santas either.

He was an in an unusually good and cooperative mood when we were putting ornaments on the tree and actually wanted me to take pictures of him. Of course I had my camera at the ready and jumped all over that. Jim, unfortunately, had to go to a funeral today. One of the owners of the company he works for was in a freak plane accident--when it colided with a glider. So sad. He was young and he had a wife and kids. It goes to show that you just never know. Jim told me some of the stories that people got up and told about him were incredible. He was a good man with a huge heart. I wish I could have met him. Just one more reason to cherish these moments we have here. Together.

Oh. Christmas Tree.

Tonight was our big night. We finally got our tree. This is the latest we've ever gotten a tree before, usually by now our tree is so crispy we can't leave the lights turned on it for more than 20 minutes at a time.

But this has been a crazy time. So, crazy in fact, that I don't even want to talk about it. I did something so incredibly lame today that I still can't believe I did. I did something you usually only see in bad movies.

My big court date in Marin that I have been anxious about and preparing for...well. I got up at 6:00 am and took a shower and got ready, and my mom and Jerry got ready too. We got in the car and while driving down the driveway on our way to the court house for small claims court, I glanced at my paperwork. Hmmmm, I thought. That's odd. It says the 17th at 8:30 am and I could have sworn today (Friday) was the 18th.

Holy Crap! All of the color left my face and I felt like I might throw up. My court date was YESTERDAY. I wrote down the wrong date on my outlook and wall calendars. This whole time I had been thinking it was on Friday, the 18th. Nope. It was Thursday the 17th. I've been telling everyone it was today. Who does that?

I took today off. I had to arrange for the nurse for 9 hours. I thought I was going to miss Jimmy's classroom holiday party and I'm supposed to be the room mom...turns out I completely blew this. If there was an award for stupid, I would have just won first place.

The worst part is, I know we have a great case. Dr. Griffith shouldn't be allowed to get away and win this thing by default because I screwed up the date. The truth is, I have a lot going on. Not to make any excuses but working full time and dealing with the Doodle and managing his schedule and staff is sometimes overwhelming. Staff? Seems like it. Every day he has appointments for therapies and nursing and preschool and his Shape program. Saturday and Sundays are the only days we don't have something scheduled. Then there's Jimmy and his busy schedule too.

So I blew it and I'm just sick about it. It's not just about the $1687 this Fraud of a Doctor (Dr. Griffith) has tried to extort from us for what is laughable that she actually believes she provided "medical care" to the Doodle, it's now about principle. You cannot, as a doctor, make that many mistakes with medication and mis-diagnosis and still expect to be paid for what was supposed to be a one hour consultation.

While at the courthouse today, we filed a motion to be heard and hopefully I will get a second chance to present our case. We have to see what the judge says.

Heavy Sigh.

I took some of these:

But I really wanted some of these:

The Parent Connection Meeting

Jim was off today, so it was really nice that he went with me today to the SCOE Parent Connection meeting. It was at the Doodle's school and today the subject was speech. We learned about some really cool things some of the other parents are doing to help their children talk and communicate. We learned about programs and techniques that might be instrumental in helping our Doodle talk.

Talking is just one more thing I used to take for granted.

I never realized all of the prerequisites required before the speech comes. And, I'm just hoping--that the speech does come. Some day. It's one of my biggest fears, that the Doodle will never speak. I never realized what a key role things like taking turns, imitating and different foods/textures/liquids played in the development of speech. For normal kids this all falls into place and comes easy. For "our" kids, it has to be taught.

I never imagined a life like that for him. Then again, I never imagined him with a seizure disorder either.

He does really well getting his point across and communicating with us without speech. He's still slow to learn new signs.

So, Jim came today and saw the Doodle's classroom for the first time and met his teacher. While it was an informative subject that hit really close to home, it was even more informative and comforting meeting and hearing from the other parents of autistic children, going through what we're going through. For me, it was nice having Jim by my side.

Almost There

Holiday Boutique...done

Christmas cards...done

Christmas shopping...done

Disneyland Pictures downloaded and picked up...done

Regrettable Christmas sweaters for Ugly Christmas Sweater Party on Christmas Eve...done

Favors and Craft Project for Jimmy's 4th grade party on Friday...done

Shutterfly Picture Books...done

Losing sleep over this Friday's small claims court...done

I go a little nuts around the holidays and it seems like I'm going in fifty different directions. But now that everything is done and checked off I can breathe and relax and I have more time to devote to this little guy, who I think has been feeling a bit neglected lately. I've been racking my brain trying to think of something good to get the Doodle, but then I realized what he needs most is ME. All of me.

So, we're almost there. Just 10 days left before Christmas.

All we need to do is get our Tree...it rained last weekend and it was the last day of my sale on Sunday so we're a little behind. Usually, by now, my carpet is littered with thousands of pine needles because we used to get our tree Thanksgiving weekend. School is out for both kids after this Friday and my office will be closed from the 23rd to the 3rd...so I will have lots of time to spend with the kids doing a lot of nothing and having to be no where.

Preparing Our Case

Stressing out and preparing our case for small claims court this Friday. I guess we don't find out the judges ruling on Friday, they let you know their decision some time after the hearing--which will be more stress.

$1687 to Dr. Julie Griffith, A D.A.N. Doctor (Defeat Autism Now) for an alleged "consultation" where this "doctor" decides to tell me the Doodle is not autistic, might have Lyme disease and diagnoses him with Dandy Walker, a serious malformation of the brain by looking at the same exact MRI that two other neurologists had looked at and said was Normal. She waits until the end of the hour consultation to tell me this--so that I am distraught enough and crying, thinking she just cracked the case with the autism and seizure disorder--and now my son might die.

So she continued the "consultation" and then proceeded to charge me $500 per hour for the additional two hours she went over. She never even gave the Doodle a full physical examination, which the consult was supposed to include. We were also supposed to get testing done on the Doodle for vitamin deficiencies, metals, toxins, food allergies, yeast build up, etc. No tests were done. I was sent away with a brown grocery bag full of lab tests to send off in the mail to various States--including all the paperwork.

This crack pot of a Doctor also prescribed the Doodle two very severe anti-seizure medications on top of the two that he was already on. When he had an adverse reaction to the drugs several days later, after our consultation, she refused to come to the phone to talk to me about it unless I gave a credit card and paid her $400 per hour for a phone appointment first. I should mention, coincidentally, it wasn't until she prescribed him these new drugs and had the bad reaction--which triggered and was the begin of his head drop seizures.

After I found out she misdiagnosed the Doodle with Dandy Walker in an attempt to alarm me and coerce me into returning for future appointments at $500 per hour, I fired her, stopped payment on the credit card and reported her to the California Medical Board.

So we had to prove our case to the credit card company and justify why we stopped payment on the $1687 consultation and we won our case with them. They reversed the charges. Now, this delusional, unethical "doctor" wants her money because she is insisting she provided medical care...when she never did. But there is still a chance that the judge will rule in her favor and that is a little stressful.

I've talked with another mom who had a bad experience with this same doctor, who also was misdiagnosed and who said she would write me a letter.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

So, I Guess You're All Done

Was it something I said?

You seemed to be enjoying your Turkey Tettrazini; that is, until you threw my plate on the floor and broke it into pieces

Maybe you were just "all done".

Old St. Nick

While waiting in line for Santa I couldn't help but wonder if this man in a red suit ever imagined or wanted to play Santa Claus when he grew up. At what point did he look in the mirror and say, I have a new idea for a career for myself? Was it something he always aspired to be? I wondered what he used to do before he grew the white beard and put on the Santa suit. It's such a seasonal gig.

The the jaded side of me couldn't help but wonder if the people in Human Resources at Simon Mall were running background checks on these Santas who have children sitting on their lap all day long.

The Doodle got a real kick out of Santa, it was the waiting he wasn't too fond of. Jimmy, who still very much believes in Santa, wrote him a letter and a list of what he wanted. He looked a little miffed when Santa handed him his letter back after he read both pages. Santa called me over and asked me if I would email to him.

Oh. And I'm not sure but I don't think we're ever allowed back into Fresh Choice unless we bring our own dustbuster and a muzzle next time

My Little Nightmare Before Christmas

Time outs and PECs (Picture Exchange Cards) are our new way of life around here. Except, it's kind of hard to stay mad at the Doodle for terrorizing our house when he's wearing his new Disney Nightmare Before Christmas beanie. Jimmy got one too and is equally cute but not quite as destructive.

Hitting

Where would a child who doesn't get hit, learn to hit? Is it a natural instinct out of frustration? We couldn't be any more loving and affectionate with the Doodle...I'm trying to figure this out. Along with some tantrums and bad behavior we now can add hitting to the list.

Time for a Behavioral Specialist or would a trip to the Nut House for me be more efficient?

Two days in a row now, the Doodle has hit his nurse in the face. Yesterday she got cold cocked in the nose but we weren't sure if it was purposeful or if he was just ticked off and flailing his arms and accidentally hit her in the process. Today, it was on purpose.

He's one, two punched me before and he seems to enjoy ripping the glasses off of my face. He gets pretty mad. He reaches over and bangs his hands on the computer when I'm typing and not paying attention to him. He's kicked me when I was trying to change his pants too and this is at only 3 years old. What's his behavior going to be like at 6 years old or 15 years old? What if I can't handle him?

We don't hit and we're not a big spanking family. The only time we've ever spanked the Doodle was a slap on the hand if he was touching something dangerous like the stove or the oven or when he has pulled my laptop down off the counter and slammed it open and shut. He gets put into time outs either in the corner or now he gets locked into his swing.

He doesn't seem as happy as he used to be. He doesn't look as happy, I've been looking at the pictures I've been taking and he can barely look at the camera. Is this regression? His behavior is getting worse. He continually puts his hand down his pants and takes his diapers and pants off. He continually wants to go in the pantry for chips. He refuses to play with toys. He's not happy unless he's having you change the dvd in the machine over and over. All day long he's getting redirected and told NO. I'm guilty, out of frustration, of yelling at him...NO! NO! NO! How do you get through to an autistic child when you know they know what NO means but refuse to listen? Perhaps I'm wasting my breath. Is he not capable of fully comprehending NO? Then why when he does something he knows he's not supposed to, does he run away or smile and do it one more time? Is it a compulsion and he physically and mentally cannot stop? It wouldn't surprise me if his first word, if that ever happens, is NO.

I seriously feel tested most of the time. Is it not enough that God has given me a child with autism? Is it not enough that he won't or can't talk? Is it not enough that he has the worst possible kind of epilepsy? What's next? When will enough be enough?

There's No Place Like Home

It's so good to be home. I was ready to leave Disneyland and all of the happiness and magic behind. I love vacation but with all that's going on with the Doodle, it was much harder to enjoy myself this time. It's hard to explain but I couldn't relax when he was there and I couldn't really relax when he wasn't.

There's no more comfortable place than your own bed in your own home, even if it might get peed at night by a thirsty Doodle with a huge bladder.

Today was back to work, back to school, back to cleaning and unpacking; back to our normal. Next stop, Christmas.

Our Fast Pass Home

Every little boy I saw I thought of the Doodle.

Every screaming, tantrum throwing kid I heard I thought of the Doodle.

Every sleepy eyed little one I watched sleeping peacefully in their stroller with giant mouse ears I thought of the Doodle.

I had the feeling all day like I had forgotten something.

I couldn't help but miss my little Terror.

Since Grammy and Papa took the Doodle home a day early, it left Jim and I some great one-on-one time with Jimmy. I love how much Jimmy likes to still be with his parents. We went on so many rides and hung out and were able to relax. It was great but also a little sad for me.

Even though I knew it was the right decision.


At least I can say we made every second count. We stayed until the very end. We were one of the very last people to leave Disneyland. We squeeeeeeezed in every drop of magical fun meant to be had. We went on the Tower of Horror at least 6 times in a row--there was no line, so we just kept walking right back on. We rode all the fast and scary roller coasters and no one threw up once!

After the park closed, we walked our sore-sore feet and tired legs back to the Disneyland hotel through Downtown Disney and got the best sleep ever. No Doodle back-kicking me or waking up screaming with his tonic seizures. No peeing the bed at 4:00 am. Just pure uninterrupted 8 hoours of sleep. Ahhhhhhh.

We loaded up the car this morning and left the happiest place on earth, headed for home, our other happiest place.

The Price of Guilt

Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm torn.

I can't decide. This was supposed to be a family vacation and while I know Grammy and Papa were coming so that they could watch the Doodle at the hotel and do other things with him if Disneyland was too much for his little brain to handle--it's still hard.

Jim and I talked about leaving early. We're set to leave Sunday and drive home. We bought a 3 day park hopper pass and we talked about how 2 days is enough here for us. We've had two full days and have experienced the magic of both parks. So if we left tomorrow and cut day 3 out I would be fine. Jim would be fine. It's Jimmy that would be devastated.

We don't go on a lot of family vacations; because of the Doodle and because Jim is not a big vacation guy. It's a rarity that he takes time off work.

Jimmy's been having so much fun and why wouldn't he? He's ten. He could spend a week at Disneyland and not get tired of it. He will happily go on the same ride over and over. And I get that. This is a big deal for him. It just sucks that we don't have our whole family enjoying this time together. And how stressful it is to take the Doodle out in to public places in full blown autism mode.

So, Grammy and Papa offered to leave a day early and take the Doodle home.

As much as I hate it, and feel sad and guilty about it, I think it's for the best. I have to remember we have another very special little boy here and it's not fair to cut his vacation short because the Doodle is bored, OCD and over-stimulated. Jimmy misses out on things and gets told that a lot already-- Sorry we can't--because of the Doodle. Or we have to leave--because of the Doodle. It must be pretty hard to understand when you're ten.

Today we all had the Character Breakfast together and it worked out fine because we planned ahead, like so many parents of autistic children must do. There is no waiting in line or waiting for a table with the Doodle. He doesn't understand the concept of waiting. He's like Burger King and he only wants it his way.

We made a reservation in advance and then we went ahead of Grammy and Papa who walked around with the Doodle outside, and we got seated at our table and I went and got him his pancakes so that when they brought him in to the restaurant, he sat down and immediately ate his breakfast. Some of the Disney characters came around and took pictures with the kids. The Doodle isn't too sure about these giant Goofys and Plutos and Chipmunks. He seems to kind of like them or at least be intrigued by them. And I think Cinderella was hitting on Jimmy. We got some great pictures today.

After breakfast we went to California Adventure Land and met up with our cousins. Jimmy loves spending time with his cousins. The Doodle stayed at the hotel and went to the Pool at the Hotel...a very nice pool and hot tub with Grammy and Papa. He loved the hot tub. We brought his life jacket and my mom said he was very relaxed and peaceful when in the hot tub.

But now he doesn't like coming back up to the room. He wants to go in the stroller as if he is totally hip to where we are and what he's missing. He's got a couple of new things he likes to do: ride up and down the escalator and ride up and down the elevator at the hotel. Oh boy.

All day I felt sad. And bad. And guilty for leaving one of my favorite little people back at the hotel. What kind of mom am I? And every time we took a family picture there was one very special person missing out of it and I could just cry. Then I had to remind myself that it was for the better. Right? That I couldn't let the Doodle ruin Jimmy's vacation in Disneyland. That Jimmy will remember this for the rest of his life and chances are, the Doodle won't; and who knows when we will ever be able to come back.

I'm so used to the chaos of having an autistic child now that when he's not around to worry about, I'm not sure what to do with myself. It feels odd and vacant, like I'm forgetting something.

Since everything is already paid for, Jim and I talked and we are letting Grammy and Papa drive the Doodle home. At least he will be comfortable back in his own home, that's what I'm telling myself anyway. I just hope it will be an OK 8 HOUR drive for Grammy and Papa and that they remembered to bring their ear plugs and Tylenol.

I know I will be missing him and feeling really guilty even though it's just one night.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Disneyland is such a happy place.

Until the reality of autism sets in; especially being surrounded by thousands of perfectly normal children the Doodle's age.

Some people come to Disneyland to escape reality--here our reality is even more real. It hits me like a ton of bricks.

It hurts my heart to watch him in over-stimulation-mode where he gets so upset and is locked inside himself with no way out. Any type of reason goes out the door. I look around at all these children having so much fun and wonder what the Doodle is really feeling. Is he truly having fun? I mean, seriously enjoying himself. Or are we silently torturing him with all the people, lights, noises, choices, changes and fun-overload?

Maybe he's happier and most comfortable in his own environment.

But, he has his moments. He laughs and giggles which makes me think he's having fun. But then we go from laughing to manic-panic in moments. He's become really bad with transition. We had a rough 8 hour ride in the car; which is long and miserable for everyone so I can only imagine what it must be like for a Doodle. He barely slept, maybe a half an hour.

When we got to the Disneyland Hotel it was beyond bedtime but he refused to go to sleep. He was in a new place and wound up after being couped up in the car for so long--he went a little crazy in the room and we thought we might get evicted.

When I booked this vacation almost a year ago, we were in a different place. The Doodle's behavior and autism wasn't this relentless. Now all I can think is what was I thinking? What did I really think this would be like when we got here? It all seemed so romantic, taking a family vacation here. Was I living in Neverland? Or have things just gotten that much worse? I will tell you, it's a lot of money to spend to figure out we don't belong here.

You might think it's hard to be in a bad mood when you're in Disneyland, especially during the Holiday season with all of the decorations and music, but you can cut Jim's stress level with a knife; worrying about the Doodle and watching his regression before his very eyes.

Regardless, the Doodle had a busy day at Disneyland...he spent the day with Grammy and Papa on the rides and I got to enjoy spending the day with Jim and Jimmy going on fast and fun grown up rides. We met up around 4:30 at the Merry Go Round, which he loved. He went on it several times. In a row. He liked it so much he didn't want to get off. When the ride stopped it was full blown autistic melt down time.

We went and met up with our favorite cousins to watch the Santa Parade. We had to find a spot and wait a while--there were so many people. Some of these people get there on Main Street at 3:00 to nab a spot for a 5:30 Parade; now that's what I call taking your parade planning seriously. We ended up with a great spot on Main Street with a front row view and he was pretty good during the Parade. He got a little restless but liked the dancing characters.

I can't help but be bummed out.

There's lots of different kinds of autism, the spectrum is vastly wide. There are so many different degrees and types of autism spectrum disorders but I've decided there's two major kinds of autism--and neither of them of fun. There's the stereotypical kind of autism where the child might withdraw, sit in a corner, spin, entertain themselves for hours, not notice if you come or go, maybe show no interest, emotion or affection. And then there is OUR kind of autism. The crazy kind. The can't entertain himself, play with toys, transition from one thing to another, the bad sleeper, the overstimulated and severe OCD and ADHD child. The can't sit still or ever be content child. And while they are both heart breaking, I think OUR autism is the harder of the two. It becomes so clear when we try to do something outside of our "box". Something normal like eating out, going to the mall, venturing off for a family vacation or going to Disneyland that people with normal children and normal lives take for granted.

I used to take it for granted.

The Moose Out Front Should Have Told Ya

We're a lot like the National Lampoon's Vacation family. Jim gets called Clark Griswold a lot. He thinks it's a compliment.

So we leave tomorrow for Wally World, I mean, Disneyland. Hopefully the Doodle will manage the 8 hour drive. Wouldn't it be nice if he slept most of the way? I can dream right?