Told You So

I really hate it when Jim is right about things. And a couple of times now in our 17+ years together I've had to let him know it. He never thought getting a dog was a good idea. He was against it from the start. I think his words to me were something along the lines of "you're crazy".

Yep. I was crazy.

Jimmy really wanted a dog and had been pestering us for years to get one. At the time it seemed like a good idea. Jimmy was old enough now and I thought we were being a little anal by not letting him get one. It's every boy's wish and dream to have a dog. You know man's best friend and all and I actually thought it would be a good learning experience for Jimmy for two reasons: 1.) He'd learn responsibility and 2.) He'd learn how to care and love something.

I thought I was so smart by agreeing to first "foster" the dog to make sure it was a good idea and not so crazy. Jim agreed fostering first was a good idea. We could take a few weeks to see how the dog fit in and how responsible Jimmy was with him. We wanted to make sure Jimmy knew how much work it was to have a dog and make sure the dog was good around the Doodle.

Things were going swimmingly with the new member of the family. Even Coco the cat seemed ok with it. At first Jimmy paid lots of attention to him. And, at first the dog could be off his leash and stay around the house outside without taking off. Both things changed and maybe they were somehow related. The less attention Jimmy would pay to him the more bored he got and the more exploring he wanted to go do. He would take off and go next door and chase the goats and chickens...and when we'd call him to come back, he'd stop and look at us like he was saying F&%k you. The other night he was gone all night long, he came back in the morning but all night I worried. He'd only come back when he wanted to.

He started having to be on his leash constantly. We didn't want him getting shot next door by the mean farmer or having the Humane Society called and have to pay a fine either. He was always chained up and what kind of life is that for a dog? We considered building a dog run and then I thought that's just as bad as having him chained up. Here we live in doggy heaven on 22 acres of area for a dog to roam and we can't unchain him and keep him safe because he keeps taking off. The dog became harder and harder and just one more thing to worry about. And Jimmy got tired of having to take care of something every day. And I work full time and have the Doodle to worry about and I didn't want to have to take care of one more thing.

So we said goodbye to Jesse today. A nice young couple with no kids and a fenced yard came and adopted him. It was a little sad but hopefully Jesse will be happier and Jimmy and I have certainly learned a lesson.

Finding out the Hardway

We found out the hard way last night that the Doodle is allergic or that his system cannot tolerate Codeine cough syrup. Just one small dose sent him over the edge and I thought for sure we were headed for the emergency room.

He slept pretty good for about four hours and then he started shaking and shivering uncontrollably around 4:00am. He wasn't awake but he was moaning and groaning and we couldn't really wake him up. He wasn't responsive almost like a night terror. He would cough but never open his eyes and wake up and he was panting and short of breath. He had a 101 fever and his heart was beating really fast. A year ago February he had his tonsils and adenoids removed and we had just come home from the hospital and the same exact thing happened. At the time I was really freaked out because I thought it might be a form of a seizure--so we rushed to the emergency room and we were admitted. It was determined it was a night terror of some sort and we were released. But guess what? They had just pumped him full of codeine from the surgery. At the time, no one put it together that it might be a reaction to the drugs.

When this happened last night, I immediately remembered when it happened before and now it seemed so clear. I googled his symptoms and the codeine cough syrup and you'd be surprised how common this is in children and adults. I felt so bad, because I had given it to him...even though his pediatrician is the one that prescribed it to him. But how would we know?

So at 5:00 am I rushed out to try to find Children's Tylenol. No such luck. Children's Tylenol and Motrin have both been recalled. Great. What are you supposed to do for fevers?

He's better today. He slept a lot and had low energy. But at least now we know.

Sick Again

Aren't these germs a pretty shade of green?

I'm actually glad school is out. We get a few weeks with a break in the germ department. It's one of the only things I really hate about sending the Doodle to school because he comes home with everything imaginable. His medically fragile class room is like one giant petri dish full of sickness. The stuff he doesn't catch in his class room he catches from his brother who brings it home to share. The Doodle's immune system seems to be weak and he catches everything. 4 weeks of summer school starts in mid-June so he ought to he healthy enough to get back there so that he can catch something else. SIGH.

What do you do with a sick and coughing Doodle on a three day weekend? We finally caught a break in the weather but the Doodle is really sick. Fever. Cough. Runny nose. He's been coughing so hard he's come really close to throwing up. It's scary because when you have a child with seizures the last thing you want is for them to throw up their anti-seizure medication. What can you do if they do throw it up? You can't just re-dose them...

So this weekend has been a real bummer just knowing he's sick and not feeling good. You'd think being sick might slow him down a bit, maybe he wouldn't throw things out the front door as much. Nope. He's pretty committed to his obsessive compulsive checklist of chaos. The only thing he's backed off a little bit from is Doritos. I should note...he's only backed off the eating of the Doritos, not the dumping out of the Doritos.

Being sick you might imagine he would lay in bed and rest except he's not very good at being still. He's got to be exhausted because he's getting no sleep because of the coughing all night long. This morning he was up at 5:00am. He took a couple of cat naps but nothing solid. He's awake right now and I know I have my work cut out for me trying to get him to sleep. Every night is a battle unless he accidentally falls asleep by some weird alignment of the moon and the stars. I even gave him some Codeine cough syrup and that seemed to jack him up even more. Jim has been sleeping upstairs in Dominic's room and Jimmy's room so he can be well rested and fresh as a daisy in the morning.

Time to wrestle the 3 year old to sleep now. Wish me luck.

Food for Thought

Planning a memorial service is not one of the funnest things to do but it is something that is just as special and meaningful as any other occasion; maybe even more so because you're only doing it once. And you want to honor that person and their life...

I've decided I'm going to get mine all planned and figured out--from the music to the favors to the menu to the obituary to the slide show and who I'd like to speak. It's kind of crazy but it seems like if I were to suddenly die, it would make it somewhat easier on my family having all that stuff done. Not that I would be picky because let's face it, would I even know? So I guess paper plates would have to be OK, but there's some other things I'd like to have squared away because of the control freak in me. Like I don't think my family even knows if I'd prefer to be cremated or buried and I definitely do not want an open casket under any circumstances.

And, I'm not going to be shy about what I want either. I'm not going to try to pretend like I don't care what happens or what kind of service or reception I get because I won't really be there. I do want a party and I want it big. In my perfect fantasy funeral, Seinfeld would give my eulogy and bring down the house and Harry Connick Jr. would sing a few of my favorite songs from the piano and there would be lots of chocolate and popcorn and a really long obituary...because let's face it, I'm a little wordy. There would be lots of white tulips and roses and people would toast with Shirley Temples.

This is serious business and I'm not trying to make light of it. You might be thinking, is she serious? Yes. It's why we get life insurance isn't it? To help the family when we're gone. To prepare and be prepared. To me, this is no different.

I'm not trying to be flip or morbid here because even though it's hard to think about and imagine dying and your funeral...with the passing of my brother, it's also hard not to think about it. It makes me understand how precious and short life really is and it makes me want to write letters to all the people who mean something to me just so I know that they knew that I loved them in case or when something happens to me.

So in a couple of weeks, we will do our best to honor my little brother Tony but it would have been really nice to know what HE would have wanted instead of guessing or just doing what WE want to.

And he sings too. Kind of.

Well, he hums is a little more like it, sometimes the Doodle gets a little vocal and it seems like he's trying to sing or caw. The sparkly gold glitter glasses are just to help him get in the mood. Sometimes when you pick him up and he's happy to see you, he will coo like a dove. Maybe he has a future in bird calling?

Growing, Growing, Gone

It's amazing how fast time really does go by. When you're little you have no idea what grown ups are talking about when they talk about how soon you will be grown and how you will miss these simple, younger years. It's hard to understand that when time seems to be moving so slowly because you want to grow up and do things you're not old enough to do yet.

Jimmy is just 10 and I can't believe he's going to be done with 4th grade in just two more days. Soon I will have a fifth grader.

He is pretty mature for his age. In some areas that is. To look at him, you'd think he was 14 or 15--he's so tall, already 5' 3". And he has a girlfriend. A real one. She's two weeks older than he is and they've known each other since they were babies and I think it's so cute how they still like each other after all these years. They go to different schools, so that must be why. They don't have to tolerate each other on a daily basis--just special occasions.

I'm so proud of my little giant 10 year old--he did so well in school this year, mostly A's and he was one of only 7 kids in the class who hit their goal and read 4,000 pages this school year. Today just the kids that read 4,000 pages got a pizza party in his classroom. He was stoked. I can honestly say, that's way more pages then I have read in the last several years.

We don't have a lot planned this summer...maybe a couple of little trips. One to Palm Springs and one to Gilroy for our annual school clothes shopping extravaganza. I'm sure there will be lots of dirt bike riding trips with his dad and I think he wants to do the skate board camp again. I'm thinking of joining a local swim and tennis club so that we can have a place to cool off when it gets hot and he gets bored.

Could it Be?

Tony, Is that YOU?

It's not uncommon to see birds around our house...we have hundreds actually.


But this is a little strange.

A few weeks ago a bird appeared in the vineyard, right around the time my little brother Tony passed away. Jim and Jimmy were taking the garbage down the long driveway and noticed an ever-so-friendly bird following them and walking with them. The bird kept a safe distance but did not seem bothered by their presence. It walked and chattered along as if it was part of the family, it would constantly turn around and look at them as if to make sure they were still coming. Jim mentioned it to me but it was forgotten.


Then, all week long around the same time, anytime you would drive in or out of our driveway this same bird would pop out of the vines and swoop in front of your windshield--definitely trying to get your attention; so much so that you would slow down not to hit it. The bird seemed a little on the aggressive side, almost like it was taunting us. Jim, my mom, Jerry, the Doodle's nurse and I all noticed it.


The next week the same thing happened when Jim and Jimmy walked the garbages down the road on Sunday night. The little bird followed them, chattering away. This time, Jim and Jimmy came back and told me they thought maybe the bird was Tony.


As the days went on, the bird continued to almost greet us when we drove in or out of the property--and was very vocal with us. Now, most recently, it's moved it's nest from the vines near the driveway and is living somewhere just north of the house, much closer. He even came up to our glass doors yesterday and when I went outside to see him, he flew away.

Saturday, Jim saw the TWO birds and a tiny little baby bird and they were making a bunch of noise near his motorcycle trailer. Later that day, Jim called me over to see if we could see the baby and found the baby DEAD. Jimmy was pretty upset and wanted to make sure we buried it. Not sure how the baby died. I think if it would have been our cat Coco, she would have brought it to the front door all proud and eaten it like she does with her prey. It didn't look like it had been attacked.

Jim buried the little bird and we marked it's little grave with a wooden cross. So sad.

These birds nest on the ground and so I did some research with the help of Google and I think I may have found out what kind of bird "it" might be.

A familiar shorebirds the "Killdeer" is a robin-sized plover with two
complete dark bands across its neck and chest and pale legs in all seasons. A
bright red eye ring is visible during the breeding season. Being a ground
nester, the orange-brown rump is obvious as the bird tries to lure intruders
from its nest or chicks with a “broken wing” distraction display. Historically
called the Chattering or Noisy Plover, the “killdeer” call is distinct.

The two pictures at the top of the post, the one on the left I got online and the one on the right my mom took one day when she took a walk and the bird walked with her. These two below were also taken on a walk with the bird.





Coincidence that this cute little bird appeared and began taunting us around the same exact time my brother passed away? Maybe. Coincidence that my brother loved to hunt..."killdeer"? Maybe.


Even so, we like to think that maybe it is Tony flying around the house watching over us and letting us know he is OK now, flying and free from his pain and suffering.

Dr. Julie Griffith Update

I filed a formal complaint with the Department of Health and Human Services Office for Civil Rights against Dr. Julie Griffith, the most unethical doctor you will ever meet.

Let it go you say? No way.

It's pathetic enough I have to pay her $1260 + court costs for our stupid waste of time consultation. If I had the resources and patience, I would be suing her in court for malpractice from the physical and emotional harm she has caused to the Doodle and to our family.

There is nothing worse than putting your trust and faith in a person of power and esteem to be tricked and mislead for monetary gain at your expense.

I have been in discussion with an attorney and also the UCSF Medicals Records Supervisor because almost 1 year later, after Dr. Griffith clearly had no rights to our medical records she fraudulently obtained them anyway...

I had to wait until UCSF could confirm "how" our records were obtained and under what premise. Besides getting her hands on our records illegally, she purposely tried to cover up the evidence of her acts when we went to small claims court in March. She took white out and "whited out" the top fax information header from UCSF with the date and time and fax number on it and provided a copy to the judge...and the stupid, weird and crazy part was that none of the Doodle's medical records obtained had any bearing on our case. So, as it turns out, this Doctor is not as smart as she looks.

Since our consultation in April 2009 with Dr. Griffith - 7 different people have reached out to me with very disturbing and similar accounts of her unethical medical and billing practices. So, no, I won't let it go. As a mother, I feel it is my duty to do all I can to stop this woman who is falsifying information and diagnosis to pad her pocket book at the expense of innocent children and hopeful parents. She has cold-heartedly and calculatedly chosen "parents of special needs and autistic children" to extort money from.

Here's an excerpt from my complaint to HIPPA:

...During the appeal trial on March 19th, 2010 – Dr. Griffith provided the court and I copies of my son's medical records obtained fraudulently on March 16, 2010 (just 3 days before the court date). Dr. Griffith had NO LEGAL rights to these medical records almost one year later when she was no longer “our doctor”.
Dr. Griffith misrepresented herself to UCSF as a treating physician with respect to obtaining my son’s medical records. She provided to UCSF Medical Records Department the Release of Medical Records form that I signed in good faith on March 31, 2009 before I ever even had a consultation with Dr. Griffith. I never filled in any “dates for medical records” on the Request of Records form which I signed.

Dr. Griffith purposefully and knowingly requested medical records she knew she had no rights to. Proof of this can be gathered because the copies of my son’s medical records provided to the court had the fax information header intentionally “whited – out”. Dr. Griffith accidentally provided me with two copies of the UCSF medical report; one with the fax heading “whited-out” and one with the UCSF fax information visible. This was by no accident because if you compare the two exact UCSF reports together and line them both up together, one UCSF heading is there and the other is not.

It also shows the date and time the fax was faxed to Dr. Griffith and from where and which UCSF fax number. It also shows what time the medical records were printed in the system and by whom (3/15/10 @ 9:11 pm).

This struck me as very odd because I knew that Dr. Griffith was NOT on the distribution list of doctors to receive information, reports and records since we had only had one consultation with her and then she was fired and then she confirmed “dismissal”.

March 22, 2010 – I formally requested any and all documents that were provided to UCSF Medical Records by Dr. Julie Griffith to illegally obtain records on a patient that was not her patient. I was told by UCSF Medical Records that Dr. Griffith provided an old Release of Records signed by ME on March 31, 2009 (11 months, 14 days prior).

It is my opinion, and the opinion of others (including the staffing from the UCSF Medical Records Department), that Dr. Griffith has blatantly misrepresented herself as a Treating Physician in order to illegally obtain my son’s medical records long after being formally dismissed (in writing-certified mail April 27, 2009).

Dr. Griffith has knowingly committed fraud, violated HIPPA regulations and made false statements in a court of law. She has also perjured herself in a court of law.

*FRAUD AND FALSE STATEMENTS
Federal Law, at 18 U.S.C. 1001, authorizes prosecution and penalties of fine or imprisonment for conviction o “whoever, in any matter within the jurisdiction of any department or agency of the United States knowingly and willfully falsifies, conceals or covers up by any trick, scheme or device a material fact, or makes any false, fictitious or fraudulent statements or representations or makes or uses any false writing or document knowing the same to contain any false, fictitious, or fraudulent statement of entry”.

I am hereby requesting a full investigation into Dr. Griffith’s HIPPA violation against my son, Doodle Bug based on:

1. No longer being our Doctor or treating physician and intentionally misrepresenting her as such in order to obtain unauthorized medical records of my son;
2. Purposefully and calculatedly attempting to “cover up” said medical records by altering and using “white-out” on the UCSF fax header on the medical records received containing pertinent information: date, time, source and fax information and then provided to the Court and to me.

Cc: California Medical Board
Marin County Superior Court
Marin County District Attorney Consumer Fraud Division
Institute for Safe Medication Practices
Dr. Julie Griffith

I really hope this was all worth it to Dr. Julie Griffith. The whopping $1260 judgment clouded her common sense and could potentially cost her THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN FINES and possible jail time. Justice will be served. Someday. Right?

"Party of Autism, Your Table is Ready"

I keep waiting for it to get easier to take the Doodle to a party or family function. It's only gotten harder.

The older he gets, the harder he gets...the more OCD he gets, the more apparent his autism is.

Tonight I went to my uncle Jimmy's house for my cousin Jesse's birthday bbq. I thought I will bring the Doodle's carts because last time we were there he was bored stiff and only wanted to open the front door and climb the stairs. Bad idea.

But, this time, since he had his cart, all he wanted to do was throw it out the front door or down the stairs. I ran around their house, shadowing him and trying my best to Doodle-proof things. That only ticked him off.

Last time we were at my uncles, the Doodle threw an entire bowl of chips on the carpet. I grabbed Jim a shopvac and he cleaned it up.

Needless to say, bring the Doodle to someone else's house, is not at all fun or relaxing--for anyone. You might say I'm a little uptight because I'm just waiting for a disaster. There is no way to just let him be. If I turn my back for one second, he'd be out the front door and in the street or spilling or breaking something, including his head.

So I go to these things with the best of sunny intentions, only to have my spirit crushed and wish I would have listened to my gut and stayed home like I told myself I would do LAST TIME.

Tonight the Doodle out-did himself. I was making him sit in the chair with me because he was getting a little OCD and crazy and I was tired of chasing him, when he decided he needed to throw up and he projectile vomited all over himself, me and my uncle's nice leather chair. I took him straight outside and had to strip him down to his diaper and then put him straight into the car. I chose not to strip myself down to my underwear in their culdesac for obvious reasons so it was a really terrific, long and pungent ride home.

After we hosed off and got cleaned up at home, I couldn't help but cry and have a moment of feeling sorry for myself. I know that sounds pathetic, but at least I am aware. I feel like no one really understands the stress and anxiety of bringing the Doodle places and how absolutely draining and hard it is. They're pretty casual and nonchalant like it's not big deal and they couldn't be nicer. I know they're tolerant because they are my family. But, to me, it is a big deal. I'm the one that stresses out and comes home exhausted, reeking of barf. Then, I think to myself, I should have brought him to my other cousin's wedding on Saturday.

You Should've Seen It In Color

It's funny, I love to take a new photo and make it black and white.

I'm not sure why, I just like the way they look and make me feel.

"A picture's worth a thousand words but you can't see what those shades of gray keep covered ...You should've seen it in color." - Jamey Johnson

I'm not a die-hard country music fan but I do like it...especially Tim McGraw, Hal Ketchem, Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban to name a few. But, my husband Jim is BIG country fan, more of the newer stuff--he likes all music actually and one of the things I fell in love with him about was how sensitive he is. He listens to the words in music and tries to interpret them and a lot of music really touches him. He'll call me in the middle of the day and ask me if I've ever heard a song, or he'll come home and want to play a song for me because of it's message or meaning or melody. He's passed that on to Jimmy which I think is just fantastic because Jimmy will come in and say, "Mom, you gotta here this song, you'll love it". Or, "Mom, me and dad want to play a song for you that we really like, it reminds us of you (or the Doodle)." So it's really a cool thing that Jim has given that gift to us.

I used to kid him when I would walk in the room and he'd be sitting on the couch crying his eyes out to a country music video on CMT. Now, I can appreciate it. This is one of Jim's favorite songs, one that he came home and told me about and then had me watch the video. It really is a great song, I hope you'll take a minute and listen to the words. Does music inspire or touch you?

Play Time

I tried to teach my child with books.
He gave me only puzzled looks.

I tried to teach my child with words.
They passed him by often unheard.

Despairingly, I turned aside.
"How shall I teach this child?" I cried.

Into my hand he put the key
"Come," he said, "play with me."

Favorite Cousin's Funky 40th

In the midst of grieving and feeling like not doing much of anything, my cousin who happens to be one of my best friends is turning 40! So we had a big red carpet Disco Party at our house with a fabulous DJ and lemon drops and lots of food on Saturday night. It was a great party and yes, I had a little too much to drink--but that was OK because I didn't have to drive and no one had to hold my hair while I threw up either. So that was a good thing.

We did a funky surprise dance routine in full costume to "Can't Get Next to You" by the Temptations...partly why I need the extra liquid courage. The Doodle was in and out, which, for him worked out well because that's what he loves to do (go in and out and in out). He loves to dance and gets his funky moves from his Dad.

Here's some pictures of our fun, what not to wear, night.

Yes, that is curly black chest hair poking out of my shirt and I wore my white

platforms because it's not after Labor Day.

Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

Me and Jimmy

Me and Deanne (Birthday Girl)

Me and Jim

(No. The Hat Does Not Come Off. Even At Parties. This is his fancy hat, you can tell by the pinstripes.)

Love is...

A silly little Doodle with a big giant personality.

So what if he breaks plates and channel changers and throws things out the front door. He's trying to dress himself now and he loves to wear glasses and play peek-a-boo. How can you get mad at him when he has his rain boots on the wrong feet?

He's wearing his medical id bracelet now and really likes it. If you ask him where it is he points to it and gets pretty excited. We tell him how beautiful it is.

Confessions of a Bad Mom

Everyday I make mistakes with the kids. Mistakes I'm not proud of. I keep waiting for it to get easier, this thing we call parenting. Not just with the Epileptic, Autistic, NonVerbal Toddler but with the over-indulged 10 year old especially. I'm constantly threatening him with things I never follow through on.

"That's it, no more TV for the rest of the night" and then I ask him later if he could please turn the tv up because I can't hear it over the
Doodle's screaming.

I count Frito's Corn Chips as a serving of vegetables because they do have corn in them.

I don't count words like: crap, damn and ass as bad words because I've heard them said on network television.

I forgot Jimmy at school the other day and then when my phone rang and I didn't recognize the number, I hit IGNORE. It was the school calling to tell me I forgot my son.

Today I found myself giving the Doodle the Shoe Box filled with dvds so that I could have 10 minutes of peace and quiet.

I actually told the Doodle, "Go tell Grandma she wants you."

Yesterday I sat and watched as he ripped one of his books to shreds because I didn't feel like yelling at him or giving him another Time Out.

Sometimes when I'm trying to read a book to the Doodle, I skip pages...how bad is that?

The "Behaviorist" would be putting me in one of his reports for this. I'm half the problem.

Then I remembered that screwing up your children will make them much more interesting adults.

We're Back

Hello bloggies. Did you miss us? I think it's going to take a little time to get back in the swing of blogging. Been busy going on with life as usual. My Notary commission is expiring, so with all the new laws and rules out there, they make you retake not only the test but you have to take a mandatory class now too. Then the test is only 30 questions, multiple choice but since it's a State Test, it's like taking a DMV test. They word the questions just so to see if you're paying attention. They change one tiny little detail and phrase the question in a way where you can't fake it. I might be taking that class again soon.

Update on the Doodle. We got a new chanel changer and won't let him play with it so he had to give up and move on to bigger and better things to OCD about. It's like plugging up a leaking hose--it will just spring a leak somewhere else. Now he insists on opening our front doors and throwing random things outside on the porch. He used to do this a little bit, every once in a while, but now it's progressed into a full on obsession. He gets such satisfaction after he does it. It's almost uncontrollable.

Now we have to figure out another way to lock them. He can easily reach the lock...the doors are metal and it's hard to figure out a way to put a lock up higher on them without drilling into the metal and making a mess. He's always had an obsession with doors. Last year it was the sliding glass doors. We put tension rods up high in them now, so he can't open them. It's just not fun when it's hot outside and you want to open a slider and get some fresh air inside and you can't.

Allergy season is here. Every year they are worse for me. I get hayfever pretty bad and my eyes swell up and itch and I can't breathe through my nose so my lips get all chapped. I'm a real beauty. Add the haircut and I should just stay in bed until around August when this clears up...

Mother's Day was pretty tough for my mom. We're all still processing the fact that my little brother is gone. Forever. His obituary ran in Sunday's paper. Jimmy has been asking me a ton of questions about death and cremation and the funeral. This is the first person he has ever lost. He told me the other day, "Tony was my closest uncle".

Nothing Feels Right

I don't have much to say these days. And if I did, I don't think I could keep them straight or organize into anything interesting anyway. I've called my son Jimmy, "Tony" about six times now.

Everything I would usually rant and complain about seems so trivial right now. My hair. The Vineyard guy butt-dialing me every single day around 6:00 am. Traffic. The Speech Therapist. Things just don't seem that important.

One of the hardest things I've had to do was to sit down and write my brother's obituary last night. How do you put a positive spin on some one's life that was taken so early and had so much pain, physical and emotional?

I can't help but feel sad for what must have been a horrible way to live in constant pain from the hundreds of stones his kidney's harbored. Every couple of months he'd have to go in and have surgery. They would alter kidney's each time in order to try to give the other kidney time to heal. It's a brutal, debilitating disease. To read more about it click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cystinuria

Then, when he got the Gout; the medication you would normally take for that, he couldn't take because his one functioning kidney was in such bad shape.

I used to get so irritated with him because he was always taking pain pills. The pain pills altered his mood and demotivated him and I watched him decline and become more and more addicted to his medication and the more he took, the more he needed to take and the more he took the more he would sleep and the more he took the more he would not show up for family events. But how could I or anyone know what he was really feeling? Who knows what kind of pain he was really in and for how long. And then I think the pain pills were his only release and escape from the pain. And it was a vicious circle he had to manage and justify to people like me. It used to bother me how much he smoked too. But who am I to judge him? I just wanted him to be healthy and quit smoking. But smoking and pain pills were mostly all he had. And that's what is so sad to me. It was such a waste of a young, promising life and he never stood a chance.

So here is the Obituary I wrote for Tony. I'm glad that we will be doing a more formal memorial service for him. This way we can honor him and people can talk about what they loved about him. I wish it was happening a little sooner but maybe this is for the best.

Anthony Robert Richutti passed away on May 1, 2010 at just 32 years young at his home in Santa Rosa. He had been battling a rare kidney disease all of his adult life. Born Aug 24, 1977, beloved son to Robert Richutti and Susan Courteau of Santa Rosa. Lovingly survived by his son, Anthony Richutti of CO, his sister Angela Dallara, brother Andrew Richutti, stepmom Jackie Richutti and stepdad, Girard Courteau. Predeceased by all grand- parents: Frank Richutti, Rosemary Tosney, Cliff and Ruth DeBaca. He leaves behind numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, two nephews and many friends. He graduated from Healdsburg High in 1995. Tony made everyone so proud when he received his Black Belt in Tang Soo Do under the guidance of his uncle, Master Jim DeBaca, owner of Fitness Fanatics Martial Arts Studio. Tony was a fighter and fought his illness to the bitter end. One of Tony’s proudest accomplishments was the day his son Anthony was born. Anthony was the bright light in his darkest moments. Tony was happiest enjoying the outdoors. He loved to boat, camp, fish and hunt. He was an avid Raider fan and spent many childhood summers helping out at their Training Camp in So. Cal with his uncle Don DeBaca. He also enjoyed movies and video games. Tony was a big guy with an even bigger heart and always willing to lend a hand. He was the go-to-guy and able to “fix anything”, a talent he learned from his father. Life became hard for Tony and he did the best he could with the unfortunate hand he was dealt. Tony’s time here with us was far too brief. He is dearly loved and will be deeply missed by many. Friends and family are invited to attend a Celebration of Tony’s life on Saturday, June 12 at 10:00 am at Daniels Chapel of the Roses, Santa Rosa.

Stages

1) Shock
2) Sadness
3) Depression
4) Loneliness
5) Physical Symptoms (sick, headache, tired, hives, aches and pains)
6) Panic
7) Guilt
8) Anger / Resentment (at self, person or God)
9) Hope
10)Acceptance-reality

I'm somewhere between #2 and #8 right now with a heavy emphasis on #7. For some reason, I thought today would be easier. I found myself spending hours digging through pictures and photo albums in a attempt to "see" him and want to remember things I have forgotten. I don't know if that was a good or bad idea because it made me even more sad. He was such a cute little kid and so much younger than me. It doesn't seem right.

I wish I could have said goodbye.

It's hard losing a brother but I cannot imagine what it must feel like for my Mom and his Dad.

Time heals right? Well, what time will that be? It feels like never.

Shades of Grey

ANTHONY ROBERT RICHUTTI
AUGUST 24, 1977 - MAY 1, 2010

Tony,
Heaven has called upon you today,
leaving so many things for me left to say.
Unspoken words and regrets I can’t un-do
But lasting memories I will always have of you.

I hope your spirit soars with freedom
From the pain that held you tight.
May you find the love you searched for
with a bright and guided light.

I wish your worried mind be clear
while your generous heart can be kept warm.
May you have no need for strength now,
since you’ll never face another storm.

I pray that songs of the angels
be the only sounds you hear.
So you can finally be in peace,
And never cry another tear.

I’ll tell myself you’re in a better place,
though I wish you could have stayed.
I think about your short life here
And all it’s shades of grey.

Your sister loved you and I hope you knew that.