To Sleep or Not to Sleep; That is the Question

"Twilight"

Oh how I love my sleep and for me that is the irony of being the Doodle’s mom.

Seriously, I have not had a good night sleep since before the Doodle was born. The last trimester of pregnancy I was so uncomfortable and had to pee so much that solid, uninterrupted sleep was not in my forecast. Then he was born. And he was never a good sleeper. He would wake himself up all night long with these weird-falling-bad-dreams and startle himself awake. I couldn’t wait for him to grow into becoming a good sleeper. That never happened. Just to get a few hours of sleep I allowed him to sleep with us. Because God forbid I moved him or even sneezed, he would wake up and be awake for hours, crying.

His entire infant life he would hold his breath and stop breathing while he slept, for up to 25 seconds. I would shake him to wake him up so that he would start breathing again…then he would gasp for air; which most of the time woke him up. I found out later after several doctors’ appointments that he had severe sleep apnea at just age 2. Part of what they thought caused the sleep apnea were his enlarged tonsils and adenoids. This made sense because he was constantly sick with upper respiratory issues and colds. So again, sleep apnea was interfering with his sleep (and ours).

Then at about age 2 1/2 the seizures started. The big, scary grand mal seizures—if you’ve never seen one it’s about the worst thing you could ever watch someone you love experience. It’s the most awful and helpless feeling I’ve ever had in my life. So the doctors thought maybe the sleep apnea and lack of oxygen to the brain could be a contributing factor to the Doodle’s seizures—so we elected to have his tonsils and adenoids removed immediately; hoping that would solve everything. Nope. While having them removed has helped with him not getting sick so much, the seizures kept on coming. And the sleeping never really got much better either. He’s still a light sleeper who wakes at least 5 times a night.

So to monitor the Doodle’s many seizures and try to get him the best sleep possible, I would sleep with him and cuddle beside him. Which, besides being a light sleeper, he now cannot sleep on his own. He’s now become so dependent on someone sleeping next to him—he can sense when he is left alone in the bed—even if it is just in the middle of the night for me to get up to go pee for 3 minutes.

We’ve done everything we can to accommodate his sleep issues. We even bought a King bed because he’s pretty big and likes to crowd me to the edge. Yes, he’s been known to push me out of bed a few times. Lately, he’s been having more and of the scream out, stiffen up seizures. It might look like a bad dream but his eyes roll back in his head and he usually stiffens his legs or arms. These last only 3-10 seconds but leave him a little disoriented (and me too) and then he usually goes right back to sleep.

Last night he had around 10 of these episodes. We really need to get him into Stanford to do another sleep study but that will be brutal on him. Immobile and stuck in a bed for 48-72 hours. The thought of it gives me a panic attack.

Laying there last night, listening to my hair grow because I could not get back to sleep, I couldn’t help but remember how sleep used to be one of my favorite things to do. I cherished my sleep and sleeping in. I could easily sleep until noon. The last time I had really good, uninterrupted R.E.M. sleep was in 2007 when I underwent hours of sedation dentistry. 

I had just returned from a 3 night trip to San Diego in a plush 4 star hotel with a King bed all to myself…crisp white sheets, a down comforter and black out curtains and do you think I was able to get any sleep? Nope. Now, I cannot sleep without that little back-kicking-sweaty-head assaulting me all night long. I actually missed his Doritos breath blowing my hair back and his one leg draped over me. That’s my ironic sleep story and I’m sticking to it.

Creating a Monster or Two or Three

Before I start this post, you need to know that there is no fine print. I have done this to myself and I take full responsibility for creating the nightmare I am in (with both kids and my Husband).

Jimmy was our first born. And I breast fed for two years...I know that's a really long time. And those who know me, know how much I like to sleep so new first baby + paranoid new mom + loving my shuteye = Jimmy slept with us. Jimmy slept with us for FIVE years. My fault.

Swore up and down and sideways that the second baby would NOT be sleeping with us. Because, I learned my lesson. Besides, this was the second child and I wasn't anywhere near as paranoid. Guess what? This one, the Doodle, slept with us too. How about the Doodle was such a light sleeper I didn't dare move him to put him in his crib or bassinet because he would wake up and SCREAM and since he was a much harder baby I wasn't chancing it? I'm still not sure where they got the term, "sleeping like a baby" because I'd have to disagree with that one. He would sleep in his swing or with us, never in his crib. Ever.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago when the Doodle started having seizures; and I had to monitor him 24/7. He's still a bad sleeper and now he's been programmed. He won't go to sleep now without me in the bed at night time; so it's 100% on me to get him to go to sleep. Even if I can get him to sleep, he wakes up periodically and reaches for me and if I'm not there, I get a scream from him.

Jim can lay down with him, but there is no guarantee he will go to sleep. Does this limit what I can and can't do in the night time? Absolutely. It is now MY job to go to bed with the 3 year old, yep. Jim likes to play the "work" card. What's that you say? Oh that's right, I work full time ALSO. Hmmmm. What ever happened to equality? Sharing the load and all that jazz? He gets his breaks when he goes out of town, he gets to sleep Doodle free and make his own bedtime whenever he wants and watch grown up tv. I guess, I'd just like it when he was home if there was some systematic way to split it up. What are we in 1950? Am I some kind of stay at home mom whose sole job is to take care of the kids and keep the house? How about some fairness? How about, let me go upstairs a night or two and sleep in Jimmy's room, all by myself stretched out without a hot little sweaty body stuck to me, kicking me and pulling my hair all night.

I used to be a night owl, my whole life I would stay up late, it's when I would read, write, watch a movie or do my projects. Sometimes I just lay there, staring at the clock thinking of all the things I could be getting done.

The best part of the story is, Jimmy feels left out. He wants to be near us because the Doodle is so he plays us like a deck of cards and makes us feel guilty about wanting to sleep downstairs in our room. Oh Gosh No, for heavens sake, he is NOT sleeping in our bed, at least. He sleeps on long leather chaise lounge in our room--grinding his teeth loudly.

Part of me is frustrated and ready to get a room at the Quality Inn because having two kids in your room every night is not fun. Or normal. But then again, we aren't "normal". Then the other part, the sentimental side of me is thinking, in 5 years I will miss it and I will look back on these years and remember how close we all were sleeping in the same freaking bedroom and how even though no one got any sleep and Jimmy has chronic back problems it was kind of nice in a creepy way. The Doodle is my last hurrah. No more babies for me at 42, I was fixed or spayed (or whatever you call it) so I don't have to worry about making this mistake again.

The Pros and Cons of Living in a Vineyard

CON


The Vineyard manager just put up 3 ginormous wind machines to protect the vineyard from frost. So automatically when the temperatures hit 32 degrees, the giant fans start up and blow. This can happen at anytime during the middle of the night. No schedule. No warning.


The first time the fans went off, I thought there was a helicopter circling our house looking for an escaped convict.


Nope just the fans.



PRO

Living here is beautiful and we get free wine.
So what's a little noise amongst neighbors when an award winning vintage is concerned?
It's not like I'm sleeping anyway.

Losing Sleep...No, Really.

You know me, I'm always complaining about losing sleep and sleep deprivation and not getting enough sleep. Well, tonight is the night I dread all year long. The night where we spring forward so that we can lose yet one more hour of much needed sleep. I don't know one single person who ever complains about getting too much sleep. I don't know that it's even possible. Because for the as long as I can remember, when all else fails you take a nap.

So now for the next couple of weeks, I will have to argue and rationalize with my brain when I look at a clock to automatically realize that no, it's really one hour earlier. Because who are we kidding? Sure the clock may say it's 7:00 am but we know it's really 6:00 am.

Why don't we set our clocks ahead during the middle of the day on a work-day during the week, like on a Wednesday at say 4:00 pm? No. That would make too much sense and be too good to be true. Why would we want to lose one hour during the work day in our favor? Business owners might disagree...Instead we are robbed by this hour when we need it the most, while we sleep...

Do I care that we get more daylight at night? No. It's not like I'm outside enjoying the daylight. I work all day and then have my motherly chores to do and it doesn't much matter if it's light out or dark; things still need to be done. Jimmy might like it, but it's just going to confuse the Doodle and his routine. Not to mention, I have a hard enough time waking him up at 8:00 am to get ready for preschool...now I will be waking him up at 7:00 am! I feel bad for the teachers and his nurse LuLu at school because he's even harder to handle when he's tired and hasn't slept enough.

I can't wait for Fall so that I can get this damn hour back.

Why A Mother Needs Sleep...

This says it all

Where Can I Get One of These?

At first I was thinking I'm in need of one for myself, but then I started wondering if they might make them in, say, a 4T.

Not sure what is up with the Doodle but every night, around the witching hour, he turns into a full blown maniac. He refuses to settle down and go to sleep. He goes to sleep with no problem and it doesn't matter what time he goes to sleep at first: eight, nine, ten o'clock. He sleeps soundly for about an hour. We'll call that, his "cat nap" then he startles himself awake, has some questionable seizure activity, wakes up thinking it morning time. It's impossible to get him back down. He wants to watch cartoons and get out of bed and won't take no for an answer. He's been going crazy and getting violent and it's time like these when I really question my sanity and ability to be a good parent.

He's kicking and screaming and hitting and thrashing his 40 pounds around the bed with all his might. He's so mad, he stares at me right in the eyes and screams as loud as he possibly can. He cries and cries and nothing will calm him. Pretty soon his heart rate is up and then Jim worries he's going to get so upset he has a seizure.

After fighting him and physically restraining him for over 3 agonizing hours last night, he finally gave up and went to sleep. Now you know where he and I get our matching dark circles under our eyes.

Definite Seizure Activity

This is what a Doodle Bug looks like on anti-seizure medicine bouncing off the walls--around midnight because the anti-seizure medication which is a sedative has the opposite effect on our already ADHD bad sleeper. Our poor drugged out baby.

One thing our entire family shares is dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep.

The Doodle has never been a good sleeper since the day he was born. He would never sleep more than an hour or so and do that startle jerk thing you do when you feel like you're falling when you first start to fall asleep...well, he would do that all night long. Naps were 20 minutes. We used to call him the cat napper. Looking back and after talking with Doctors, we have determined that those were some kind of a seizure.

Flash forward (or is it backward?) to last January. The Doodle's seizures began while he was sleeping. Always while he was sleeping, these were the grand mals--the big ass kicking ones and they always happened between 4:00 and 8:00 am.

Meanwhile, still a bad sleeper. Still wakes up startled and scared all night long. But now that I am watching and looking for seizure activity I can tell and it was confirmed by our nurse that these weird wake up screams in the middle of night ARE definitely a form of a seizure. He startles himself and jumps out of skin, then he cries for a second or yells, his body stiffens and his eyes are wide open but his eyes are kind of rolled back in his head and you can't wake him or get his attention. His breathing pattern also quickens. These things only happen when he's sleeping and I can't detect what kind of seizure they are or how long they last unless we go back to Stanford for another sleep study EEG and actually record them.

When the Doodle had the last sleep study EEG in May, it was determined that he had seizures all night and all day long. I was supposed to hit a button when I saw what looked to be a seizure. There were a ton of seizures that I couldn't tell were seizures and I never hit the button on those.

So scary.

Because of the seizures (and previous sleep apnea) the Doodle sleeps with us. And since he refuses to go to sleep until after 10 or 11 pm, because he's all jacked up on antiseizure medicine, no one in our room is getting any sleep. I've been groomed now to sleep with one eye open; watching and waiting. I've only had 4 nights of sleep completely Doodle-free. Oh what I wouldn't give for one night in a hotel in a Tylenol PM induced sleep coma; where I could sleep the entire night without waking or worry. Real REM sleep. Sigh.

Thank goodness only one of us operates heavy equipment, at least Jim can sleep through most of the Doodle's outbursts.

And You Thought You Were Sick and Tired

This is what tired looks like. And sick too.

But there's nothing finer than a clean, cuddly Doodle Bug. Except maybe a Doodle that goes to sleep sometime before 11:30 p.m. which is tonight. It's 9pm and he is fast asleep and I get to put down my laptop and watch a grown up show instead of Wow Wow Wubsy. Maybe I get so irritable because all I get to watch are children's cartoons. If you had to watch hour upon hour of Wonder Pets, Blues Clues and Wow Wow Wubsy, you too might want to kickety-kick something. Instead I was tortured watching some new horrible Courtney Cox sitcom called Cougartown. I actually found myself embarrassed for her.

The Doodle is still getting over his cold. It's amazing that I never got it. Poor Doodle's face is all red and irritated from the constant wiping large amounts of SNOT. He's such a trooper with letting me use the suction to suck it out. I know, I know, too much information...

Good times. Hopefully, CSI New York will be better.