Motivation

Oh the irony.

Not to depress you but, I was watching an ad the other day on t.v. for an anti-depressant. Either the Marketing Wizards at Pristiq are speaking to me directly through the television or maybe I am imagining my symptoms of depression. It was asking me...

Do you feel you have to wind yourself up just to get out of bed?

Uhm. Yes.

Other symptoms they say to look for to see if you are depressed...

Irritability (check)
Hopelessness (check)
Trouble sleeping (check)
Low energy or fatigue (check)
Significant weight change (check)
Difficulty concentrating (check)
Loss of interest in favorite activities (check)

I'm always irritable. And not knowing if the seizures are coming back or if the Doodle is going to ever talk and not being able to control some of these things has me feeling a little hopeless.

I always have trouble sleeping, of course that could be because I sleep with one eye open and am checking on the Doodle twenty five times a night--especially now that he is screaming out. It doesn't help that he's a back kicker and has to be laying on me, touching me and that I don't have much space to sprawl out and get some real R.E.M. sleep.

Lately, I have had really low energy and been fatigued. I don't think it's related to my flu--but they could be related or maybe it has to do with being kicked in the back all night long.

Talk about significant weight change, I'm the poster child for weight gain. Significant Weight Gain. I used to be thin. I've tried everything and can't seem to shake these last 60 pounds...it's as if my metabolism has completely stopped working altogether. I've considered it possibly early menopause, thyroid condition or hormone imbalance because even my hair has been falling out. They say stress can make your hair fall out. If falling out hair and weight gain doesn't throw a person into depression I'm not sure what will.

Difficulty concentrating? Sometimes, especially when I'm writing, I get a little...hmmm what's that word? What was I just saying? Where am I?

And I have a definite loss of interest. Working from home, gaining weight, balding and having an epileptic autistic toddler to deal with makes it difficult to want to go places. I used to be really outgoing; the life of the party. Funny. Witty. Social. These days, you will find me most comfortable laying in bed, wearing elastic waisted pants, no bra, watching a movie with a troft of popcorn and a batch of home made chocolate chip cookies on my chest.

Hmmmm. The weight gain is suddenly making sense to me now.

So, I go back and forth alternating my depression symptoms. Some days are worse than others but isn't that just life? I've never taken a pill for depression. The list of side effects are enough to depress you. But what if there is a magic pill that could make me feel better, give me more energy and hope? Take away my irritability.

I've become so used to feeling like this that it scares me to think it can all go away with the administration of a prescription. If you read the fine print on anti-depressants it links suicide with the therapy of anti-depressants. What? Isn't that the opposite of the treatment working? I would hate to go from feeling a little irritable, tired and fat to suddenly wanting to end it all.

I've tried counseling. It takes too long. It takes too long to get the therapist up to speed with all that is going on and what might have brought you there to begin with including rehashing your childhood. It ends up being a chore to go. When I have a free hour to myself, child-free, I want retail therapy, not to be sitting on a couch with a stranger staring at me, judging me and agreeing with my every word while watching the clock for the 50 minutes to be up. Therapists are really just there to listen and that's not what I need. After all, I have a blog. It's practically the same thing. It's all too complicated and I would usually leave the therapist's office feeling worse than when I got there.