Negative Self Image

I've been ignoring my self image for the past 4 years or so. Maybe longer, I can't exactly remember. I purposely avoid mirrors. When you don't feel pretty it's hard to make an effort. And the less effort I make, the worse I feel and so the vicious cycle continues.

I've gotten lazy and indifferent about my appearance and I have no one to blame but myself. I have a lot of excuses. I tell myself: I'm too busy. Too tired. Too stressed. Too old. Too fat. Not worth it. When you tell these things to yourself over and over you begin to believe them and then why bother? I think that's why it was so easy to eat a tub of ice cream and wash it down with a root beer float. It's why my weight has gotten away from me.

Food became my only distorted sense of comfort to my pitiful self-loathing. Everything is effected. My relationships, my moods, my sleep, my health...the list just goes on and on.

I can sit here all day and make excuses about how maybe I wasn't hugged enough as a child or a hero let me down; but it happened because I let it happen. I started feeling worthless and just wanting to get through the day burying myself in work and being overwhelmed with the Doodle's excessive and special needs. How easy is it to throw a baseball hat and some sweats on and hope no one notices? It became easier to think of reasons to avoid leaving the house and seeing people in a social setting.

Time for a change. I need to put my money where my mouth is and realize that I do matter and I am going to put myself back on the list even if I have to squeeze it on there.

On the bright side of this depressing post, I've lost 18 pounds and I'm hoping to lose 15 more. It was invigorating to clean out my closet and get rid of the majority of my fat clothes. I was wearing maternity clothes from when I was pregnant with the Doodle for goodness sake...who's fault is that? I'd love to blame it on my metabolism or thyroid but it's ME.

Not sure when my mood will come around but I'm starting my new found love of myself with a new hair cut tomorrow and a manicure. And maybe even eek in a quick workout. Wish me luck.