Bringing it On
I look back a year and think wow, I thought it was bad last year...that was NOTHING compared to now. And, at this rate, what's it going to look like next year? Or five years from now?
The crazier and more compulsive he gets, the more confused, irritated, stressed and sad I get. So my latest bout of wondering has been, what if he feeds off of my moods and energy? Is that even possible? Why when I'm really stressed or have to get something done or am out in public does he seem to turn the crazy up a notch? It's like he knows. Just like when the phone rings and he cries and screams and acts like a lunatic. He knows what he's doing. He knows I can't do much about his behavior while I'm on the phone. He watches me run away from him with my hand covering the receiver and go into a closet or bathroom and shut and lock the door.
The other night I stopped by a friend's to drop something off and I brought the Doodle for a ride. I pulled into her driveway and didn't even turn the car off. I was just running to the front door and getting right back in to leave. He immediately began to scream and freak out, even before I got out of the car--all I had done was put the car in park.
I got out anyway. By the time I got back to the car (just a few feet away) he was in full on panic crazy mode--to calm him down, I let him get out of the car but I was praying to myself, please-please-please be good. Be good. And of course he wasn't. He went into full blown off the charts autism mode and the more I wanted him to stop, the more he wouldn't or couldn't. He was even doing new autistic stuff, things he's never even done before. It's like he could read my mind or the look on my face. So I put him back in the car and we left. I was so disappointed with how he was acting, because he isn't always that bad. And as soon as we left and got away from my friend (his audience) he was fine. Happy. Content. Then I think, maybe his behavior is his form of manipulation to get exactly what he wants and get all of my attention. Is he that smart and sophisticated to do that? Can an autistic child "play" you?
I've noticed, like tonight for example, I came home from working all day. He was happy to see me, I could tell he missed me. I brought him a new book and we sat and looked at it and he enjoyed it because I was 100% focused on him. I wasn't stressed out from witnessing his crazy behavior, I had a lot of patience with him because I had been gone for 8 hours. His somewhat "normal" behavior made me happy and so I wasn't anxious or tense being with him or wanting desperately for him to stop something and I was calm and he was calm and I was happy and he was happy. I'm not sure what that was all about and so it began my philosophy that maybe I'm the problem (or part of the problem) and that I bring it on myself. My constant nervous tension and level of disappointment combined with the projection of how bad things are or are going to get in the future because of all the unknowns is like some sick, twisted self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to tell you a secret. Seriously.
This is something I've held in and haven't told many people in my lifetime. But the one thing that I used to stress about more than anything in the world during my pregnancies was having a handicapped or autistic child. I never thought I could handle it and I never wanted to try to see if I could. The first thing I said to the Doctors immediately following both of my births was, "IS HE OK? IS HE OK? "
So, what are the odds that the one thing I feared more than anything happened to me? About one in 90 actually.
But, was it a premonition, did I know and subconsciously expect it? Is the mind that powerful? Like the movie and book The Secret. Can you really will something to happen with your mind? People truly believe that if you have negative thoughts, negative things will happen to you and visa versa--if you have positive thoughts--good things will happen to you. Just like being able to heal yourself from an illness with the power of positive thinking.Or bringing on sickness with constant worry and negativity.
So was having my greatest fear of having an autistic child a lesson? A prophecy? Fate? Destiny, an inevitable event no matter what. Was it always out of my control--Was this God's Plan from the day I was born and nothing I could have thought or done would have ever changed this course?
Or was it random bad luck? Maybe something toxic I ate or the environment?
But just maybe it was a Gift and I was chosen for this?
It all depends on how you look at it I guess. Maybe once I finally learn to accept my reality, the disappointment and heartbreak will go away and I will realize there is nothing I can do to fix this and I will finally be at peace with it.