Happy Halloween

We didn't take the Doodle trick or treating this year but we still dressed him up like a puppy because that's what good parents do. We put our children in heavy, scratchy acrylic material fake fur things so that we can take pictures and in my case, I can scrap them. So he had to stay home because he was pretty sick last night and I didn't want to risk him getting worse or infecting any of the other kiddos.

He was fine with the Doggie suit until it was time to put the doggie head on. Then he turned on me like a pack of...you guessed it...dogs.

So I took Jimmy trick or treating down MacDonald Avenue with his cousins. And of course Jimmy refused to be something cute, since he's 10 now. He had to be something scary with a bloody weapon. He was Michael Meyers from Halloween. When he told me he wanted to be Michael Meyers I thought he meant the comedienne from Saturday Night Live who did Wayne's World and I was fine with that. Apparently, I don't know as much as think I do about things.

Jimmy likes it when I dress up, so not to disappoint...I went as my usual. Not a big stretch, already had the broom. For some reason I look like a battered Witch and I kept slamming my witches hat in the car door and it kept getting stuck in the trees.

This year there were more people than I have ever seen there before, definitely in the thousands. The streets were officially closed to cars and there was a DJ in the front yard at one of the houses, so you know I was all over that. We danced. Oh yes we did.

Since Jim stayed home with the Doodle, I had to find a substitute date. His name was Bill and he was the life of the party. He would not shut his mouth the whole night.

I mean, he couldn't shut it. It was stuck that way.

I think we made a smashing couple. People really took notice with

his commanding personality and my green face.

Pretty frightening, I know.

Afterward, we went to Chevy's and ate a late dinner and drank Shirley Temples. I must go now and inspect all of Jimmy's Halloween candy to ensure complete safety. I will randomly select the Kit Kats, Whoppers, Peanut M&Ms and the Cherry Starburst to make sure it is all OK to eat and has not been tainted in any way. Because that is the kind of Excellent Parent I am.

Meet the Sickies

Jimmy was sick a couple of weeks ago and still has a lingering cough.

The Doodle was sick a couple of weeks ago and hasn't been quite the same since.

Now, I am sick. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Could this be the H1N1? Could we have the Swine Flu? Hmmmm. Well, I can tell you this. You won't find out with a trip to the Doctor.

I went to the Doctor yesterday afternoon and gave them all of my symptoms: headache, chills, fever, aches, cough, sore throat, swollen lymph nodes...

I'm dying to know. Do I have it? Oh no. What if?

But, apparently, they don't test you to see unless they are going to hospitalize you. The doctor gave me a prescription for Tamiflu and sent me on my way. So now I don't know. Is this the flu or is it "the flu". Am I going to die? Did I just infect my entire family? Or did I catch this from Jimmy or the Doodle to begin with?

So many unanswered questions. Like, what is Jim eating to shield himself from all of this sickness? What kind of special vitamins or antibodies is he taking? Why the heck isn't he flat on his back with the rest of us?

So the Doodle woke up in a horrible little mood this morning and wanted nothing to do with the short bus when it got here. He clung to me like an acrylic sock in a dried load of laundry with no Bounce. He's sick. Again. My HUGEST worry when the Doodle gets sick is that he's going to get a fever that's going to trigger his seizures. The nurse left today because she's afraid of getting it too.

Last year the Doodle missed Halloween and trick or treating because of his broken leg. This year, the flu. To top it all off, today is Jimmy's real 10th birthday and I feel so bad that I am sick and not going to be able to take him out to dinner and a movie like he wanted. I missed the Halloween parade at his school and the party in classroom and I'm supposed to be a Room Mother. I had to send the drinks and goody bags with someone else.

It sucks being sick when you're a parent.

Biting My Nose Off

My grandma used to use the saying, "Don't Bite Your Nose off to Spite Your Face". But sometimes too much is too much and you're left with a half a nose.

Doodle Bug has a Shape Aid who works him three days a week at the house. Mind you, this is not Betsy, our previous Shape Aid who worked with the Doodle for over a year prior to her getting laid off. Thanks budget cuts, but anyway, we've had several shape aids come through the house over the last few months because some were part time or some were summer time help or some were just temporary. Right now we have two, one nice lady that comes on Monday and Friday and another one that came on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Let me just say, I plan my entire day around the Doodle's preschool and Shape appointment schedules. I have to be home, I have to make other arrangements to pick up Jimmy from school, etc.

Since the first week of September we've had two new shape aids. One of them I love, the other, not so much. I never had a great feeling about her. She blurts out inappropriate comments, she was lazy and barely worked with the Doodle, she never stayed her allotted time and she called in sick. A lot.

She called in sick again today, maybe the tenth time in two months and I had just finally had IT. She sent me a text message that she wasn't coming. So I text messaged her back that she shouldn't come next week either, or ever again and to take care of herself. I immediately called her supervisor and told her that I was pretty much done. That it is easier for all concerned on the days she's not here.

I did the math in my head and figured the Doodle isn't losing out on that much...when she was here she didn't or couldn't engage him anyway, so there was a lot of just sitting and staring and she'd chase him a little and then he'd run to me and wave his best goodbye to her. She would take that goodbye wave and say, "Welp, I guess he's all done. I'm going to go now." and then she'd leave 1 or 1 1/2 hours early. So what is he really losing?

They are supposed to be giving us another Shape Aid in the meantime. I think. Or maybe we are just waiting for our Betsy to get hired back. Either way it will be better and easier.

Thanks Kids

The gift from Jimmy's party that keeps giving...the flu. I'm pretty sure that's where I got it. So nice to have little kids in school. They bring home all kinds of wonderful things like colds, sore throats, head lice, the flu.

I just took a look at Jimmy's fingernails and they are disgusting. I can't even imagine the zillions of germs living under his fingernails. The fact that I have to wrestle him into the shower in order for him to take one is puzzling to me. Why don't 10 year old boys like to be clean or take showers?

So I spent most of the afternoon today laying in bed, trying to sleep in between chills, aches, pain and my fever.

Good times.

Prayers for Peyton

I had so many things I wanted to blog about tonight but can't because I can't get my mind off of my friend Jill's little boy Peyton who went in for surgery this afternoon on his spine. All I can think about is what they must be going through right now sitting in a hospital, waiting and hoping and praying while their little boy endures this brutal, scary and serious surgery. I can't even imagine what that must be like for her. Peyton has had a hard road for such a little boy. He's just 3 1/2 years old and has had so much to deal with for being such a little man. Things no little person should ever have to endure. Where's the justice in it all?

I admire her strength and courage and want her to know that.

My heart and prayers go out to Jill, Peyton and their family. Please say a prayer for Peyton's recovery.

Fitting In

The Doodle Bug is a unique little individual and it's always been my concern that he wouldn't fit in being the only Autistic child in the medically fragile classroom at his special ed preschool. I always wanted him to get the SHAPE program support and participate in the more autistic based classroom with other equally autistic children.

Currently the classroom he's in caters to more medically challenged children and I've said it before the Doodle is only medically fragile when he is actually having a seizure. And, we're going on being seizure free now for almost five weeks! Yahoo!

So now they are talking about possibly moving him into the more "autistic" classroom and doing away with his fabulous nurse. I'm not sure how long they are going to wait to determine this but one of the scary and bad things about epilepsy is that one day it might be controlled and then the next it might be back--full force. You just never know. It's a crap shoot.

So I'm hoping they are going to wait at least six months before they go and decide to pull our nurse and stick him in the other classroom. I would hate to lose our nurse. And she's arranged her college schedule so that she can be with the Doodle in the am at school.

The feedback I've received from our nurse, who attends school with him every day is that the "other" classroom is much crazier and chaotic! With ten autistic kids running around with varying degrees of behavior and developmental issues--it's a very loud distracting learning environment where the Doodle gets overstimulated and a little nuts. Over in the Doodle's medically fragile class, it's calm and quiet and nurturing. Because of the severity of some of the other children in wheelchairs being tube-fed and unable to interact or communicate much, it allows for much more concentration and educational support for the Doodle. The aids in the classroom all think he's cute and great and he loves them too. What I'm saying is that the medically fragile classroom has been a blessing in disguise.

So now I am torn, again, about where I think the Doodle will be best served. I guess I will wait for the school to make the first move and try to release his nurse and then I will demand another IEP. And we'll have to go from there.

Our Little Men

Parties are fun.

Gives people a reason to dress up...

even little guys.

PS. This marks my 200th POST! Yahoo!

Jimmy's Rockin' 10th Birthday!

Last night was Jimmy's big dance party at our house for his 10th birthday. We had about 30 kids and a DJ. We ordered pizza and had a cake but the highlight of the night was definitely the dancing. Ahem, slow dancing.

Jimmy's in 4th grade and just begining to get interested in girls. He's got a girl friend. Her name is Chandler and last weekend he was her slow dance at her party and she came to his party to be his slow dance last night. It was adorable. They danced a few times and then the other boys got with the program and they were also slow dancing. The party was a huge success. I was a little nervous because I thought what if no one danced? And it was just me and the DJ out there? And all the kids just stared at each other?

But everyone danced. Even some of the parents. And the DJ was AWESOME!

So the girls got all dressed up in pretty dresses and some of the boys wore ties. I made a red carpet and had lights outside and we passed out VIP All Access Passes. Some of the boys had a dance off and were out there getting jiggy with it! We made some cool cds with Jimmy's favorite songs and passed them out at the end as favors for the kids.

It was hard keeping the songs PG. Even the songs on the radio have way too much "adult" content. Jimmy told me afterward that this was the best party he has ever had, which completely made my night. It's so cool how nice all of the kids are to the Doodle Bug. Even the Doodle was out there dancing. He's got some of the best moves.

Room Mother

I decided this year at Jimmy's Back to School night to write my name down on the list to be a "room mother"...how hard could that be I thought to myself. I just have to organize some holiday parties, send cupcakes and napkins, maybe attend a field trip or two and help out in the class if needed. Actually, I was already doing that.

Now I know why no other parents in the class signed up. The blank sign up sheet in the back of the room should have been a clue to me. Why don't I pay attention to these things? I guess it's so I can complain about them later. It gives me something to blog about.

Apparently the Room Mother's role has evolved to not only do fun things for the classroom but participate in fundraisers and such for the entire school. Being a room mother, I am told, also involves attending all school events and participating in monthly meetings.

Sure. I have time for that.

I'll just strap the Doodle into a straight jacket, stick him in the wagon and bring him with me. They'll get used to the screaming and soon be able to tune it out.

So I found this all out the hard way via an email from another mom who told me since I missed the 1st premiere school room mother meeting, that she assigned and picked our Harvest Fair Booth activity and the End of the Year Basket that I would be putting together.

Huh?

What?

Harvest Fair Booth did you say?

Yes.

I was in charge of the Balloon Booth. Setting up and working it. Blowing up hundreds of little balloons. Today. Ahem, I mean tonight. It was a longgggggg day and all kind of just blended together like a bad Thousand Island dressing. First, working my real job and then rushing over to the Harvest Fair.

And, I'm no germaphobe but the entire time I couldn't stop thinking about the millions and billions of germs I was in contact with. From when a kid would put his little mouth on a balloon to blow it up and then hand it to me to tie--to handing hundreds of kids Darts to throw and then they touch them and then I touch them again and again and again...those darts were handled a lot and were most definitely a breeding ground for influenza and or the Swine Flu. I'll let you know how I feel in a few days. That will be the true test to see what exactly this Harvest cost me besides my time, a few bags of candy and a couple hundred balloons. I think each booth should have had mandatory hand sanitizer. Ick.

But in the spirit of fun, Jimmy had a great time even if I do get the flu. He got to play and hang out with his friends; including the school bully who just a couple of weeks ago wanted to Kick His Ass. Jim and I both got to see the boy in the flesh. Before Jimmy showed me and told me who he was I could pick him out of the crowd. He just looks like a bully. This year he's the big, tough six grader picking on 4th graders. Next year, he'll be the scrawny little 7th grader getting picked on by the 9th graders...what goes around comes around.

So there you have it. I'm officially a room mother.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Want to play a little game?

Can you find the biggest thing wrong or missing from this picture?

No. It's not that my bed is not made. No. It's not that the Doodle's clothes don't match. No. It's not the stain on Doodle's shirt. No. It's not that he is standing on a trunk in the middle of my bedroom. No. It's not that I happen to have my camera handy. No. It's not that the lighting is bad and there are shadows.No. It's not that I'm taking a picture while he stands on the trunk in the middle of my bedroom. No. It's not that it's been more than 6 weeks since his last haircut. And, no. It's not the crooked lamp shade.

Give up?

The Doodle doesn't have his helmet on...Not because it's OK, but because he can take it off now.

Definite Seizure Activity

This is what a Doodle Bug looks like on anti-seizure medicine bouncing off the walls--around midnight because the anti-seizure medication which is a sedative has the opposite effect on our already ADHD bad sleeper. Our poor drugged out baby.

One thing our entire family shares is dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep.

The Doodle has never been a good sleeper since the day he was born. He would never sleep more than an hour or so and do that startle jerk thing you do when you feel like you're falling when you first start to fall asleep...well, he would do that all night long. Naps were 20 minutes. We used to call him the cat napper. Looking back and after talking with Doctors, we have determined that those were some kind of a seizure.

Flash forward (or is it backward?) to last January. The Doodle's seizures began while he was sleeping. Always while he was sleeping, these were the grand mals--the big ass kicking ones and they always happened between 4:00 and 8:00 am.

Meanwhile, still a bad sleeper. Still wakes up startled and scared all night long. But now that I am watching and looking for seizure activity I can tell and it was confirmed by our nurse that these weird wake up screams in the middle of night ARE definitely a form of a seizure. He startles himself and jumps out of skin, then he cries for a second or yells, his body stiffens and his eyes are wide open but his eyes are kind of rolled back in his head and you can't wake him or get his attention. His breathing pattern also quickens. These things only happen when he's sleeping and I can't detect what kind of seizure they are or how long they last unless we go back to Stanford for another sleep study EEG and actually record them.

When the Doodle had the last sleep study EEG in May, it was determined that he had seizures all night and all day long. I was supposed to hit a button when I saw what looked to be a seizure. There were a ton of seizures that I couldn't tell were seizures and I never hit the button on those.

So scary.

Because of the seizures (and previous sleep apnea) the Doodle sleeps with us. And since he refuses to go to sleep until after 10 or 11 pm, because he's all jacked up on antiseizure medicine, no one in our room is getting any sleep. I've been groomed now to sleep with one eye open; watching and waiting. I've only had 4 nights of sleep completely Doodle-free. Oh what I wouldn't give for one night in a hotel in a Tylenol PM induced sleep coma; where I could sleep the entire night without waking or worry. Real REM sleep. Sigh.

Thank goodness only one of us operates heavy equipment, at least Jim can sleep through most of the Doodle's outbursts.

Here Comes Trouble. No Really. Here He Comes.

Now that the Doodle is not seizing up to 50 times a day and because we have carpet down now on our tile, I am MUCH more comfortable letting him run around the house without my shadowing his every move. The problem now seems to be the havoc he wreaks and all of trouble he gets into when you aren't watching his every move. Besides throwing things in the toilet and locking himself in the pantry he's been busy climbing on things. He has no problem standing on the dining room table or climbing up onto a trunk to get into my bed or climbing on a chair in order to turn the channels on the tv. Either he's gotten craftier or maybe because he's feeling better because when he was having seizures I don't think he had the energy or the ambition to be the little dare devil he has become.

Half my day is spent telling him NO. Don't do that. Get down. Stop that. Put that back. Don't rip that. Open the door and let me in. Turn the water off. Turn the light off. Knock it off. And so on.

Our fabulous nurse has been telling me he seems "oppositional" lately...which is just a nice way of saying, he's being a gigantic BRAT!

Puddles

I'm warning you. This is some Pulitzer Prize winning stuff I'm churning out now. Please. Hold your applause until the end.

The Doodle should have a new nick-name...Can you guess what that might be?

...Puddles.

Doesn't matter where we are, he has a sixth sense as to where the puddles might be and heads straight for them without hesitation. Sometimes he stomps. Sometimes he sits. Sometimes he runs. But always he finds them, without fail. After a hard rain, Jim will spend hours sweeping up the puddles because he knows once we break the seal on the front door and unleash the Doodle he will run straight for the puddles. After Jim has swept up the puddles, we are almost guaranteed another good rain. Thanks Jim.

Yesterday I wrote about his sudden need to help out around the house. Today he went into the pantry and here's what he came out with. He's a very busy boy.

The Mail Man

One of the Doodle's favorite things to do is push his little carts around the house and yard. Since he was 14 months old, he's been pushing carts. Jim and I have often joked that he's grooming himself to be a Mailman or Gardner/lawn mower.

We were right!

Tonight Jim was sorting the mail and walked the Doodle over to where my mom keeps her mail in the Granny Unit (since they are traveling). He had the Doodle helping him deliver it and putting the mail in it's special place.

The Doodle couldn't have been happier or more helpful.

Later, Jim found another piece of mail and carefully told the Doodle Bug to take the mail over to Grammy's House. Without batting an eye, the Doodle took the piece of mail and ran next door--clutching the letter to his chest as if it was a million dollar check. Jim, of course, followed him to watch--and the Doodle was so proud of himself for taking the letter next door and remembering where it went. Along the way he had to first open the door and turn on the right lights...He kept turning around and making sure Jim was right behind him and to make sure he was proud of him.

This might not seem like a big deal but for the Doodle it is. He loves to be busy and he loves to be given little tasks to do. It's amazing to know that he has a huge receptive understanding of vocabulary but still can't or won't speak.

Recharging the Battery

I'm a WAHM...for those you not down on the lingo, that means Work At Home Mom. Working from home, although nice, doesn't allow for much "out of the house" time. I feel guilty sometimes for working so much that when I get off work, I feel bad for wanting to leave the house...actually, leave my family. And I love my house. It's not that I want to get out of here; but sometimes I N E E D to.

Jim rides his dirt bike and I like to scrap and junk.

And, I'm a "date-breaker". I commit to doing something and then I don't. I tell someone I will meet them for coffee, or lunch, or go to a party and then I tend to find a reason not to go. The reason usually being something to do with the Doodle or childcare or childcare for the Doodle. So, I end up not going.

My cousin invited me to come to a weekend scrapbooking retreat at a local church this weekend. They only put it on twice a year and I said YES. I will go. I put my stake in the ground and commited. Again.

But I never actually registered. I didn't pay the $40 to go. I wanted to be sure. And you never know.

Turns out, I have to work on Sunday for my boss and now I was beginning to have "those" thoughts again. The pangs of guilt to be away from the family and the house Friday, Saturday and Sunday. 3 whole days. In a row.

How will they manage?

Once I stopped the self-important thinking which didn't happen until Friday morning (and the scrapbooking fun fest begins at 2:00 pm on FRIDAY) I was able to go online and register. Yay me.

But, now they're full. Now I can't sit with my cousin. Now I have paid $40 and will be giving up my weekend away from my family to go sit with a stranger. In crept my Doubter. Maybe I should just cancel.

But I didn't. Cancel.

I went last night. I was able to sit with my cousin and scrapbook. Even though I went a little late, I loaded my car with my scrapbooking stuff and scrapbooked until Midnight.

It's a fundraiser and it's held in a church and there's about 50 women who go. Everyone gets a big 8' table they have snacks and serve dinner and they offer little workshops throughout the day and show you new layouts and techniques. They have raffle prizes and a real store set up so you can buy more scrapping CRAP. Some people even wear their pajamas. Why didn't I think of that? And they have chocolate chip cookies-that right there...worth the price of admission.

It was great. And fun. And creative. And productive. And good for my soul. And sure, I could scrapbook all I want to at home, by myself with my needy kids and constant interuption but this is like a mini-recharging for me where I can just sit and focus and connect with grown ups with the same interests as me.

Today's scrapping is from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm. I'm already 46 minutes late and to be honest, I probably won't stay until 9:00 pm but it will be recharging my battery all the same.

Jimmy came there with me last night (for just a few minutes), and we walked up to the big cross in the front of the room and we each said a prayer for the Doodle. We each prayed for his health and Jimmy prayed for him to not be autistic anymore. I think this counts as going to church.

I'll post some pictures later tonight.

Decisions

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Almost...Normal

The Doodle has made such progress and although quirky, he is becoming so normal. Kind of.

He does so many things a typically "normal" 3 year old would do. He loves to run and climb and play. He loves to play ball. He loves to be chased and tickled. He loves Cheerios and Yoplait yogurt. He loves to be outdoors. He loves to go to school on the school bus. He loves baths. He loves kisses and hugs. He loves Dora the Explorer and pumpkins. He loves to dance. And, now that he isn't having 50 seizures a day--his development is progressing at a much better rate.

If the Doodle would just talk, he would almost be normal. I want so much to hear that little voice. But, I will gladly take him as he is and love the pieces out of him, mute or not. The most important thing over the last nine months has been to get the seizures under control. And they seem to be under control. He's only had 3 little seizures since September. We still take it day by day and I'm not going to give up on the power of prayer.

Before the seizures I wanted to fix the autism. I wanted him to be a normal little boy without any kind of handicap or development issues. Now, I can see the forest through the trees. The Doodle's epilepsy put my priorities in fast order, showing me how insignificant his autistic traits are in comparison to his quality of life and his seizure control. In a short period of time, I was dealt a hand I had never imagined. I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I was so very hopeless. Now, I am just grateful and blessed to have our happy, autistic Doodle back.

He may never be typical, normal or mainstream but he is special and unique and we will always love him no matter what. We accept the Doodle Bug for who he is now and forever no matter what that might look like in the future. Once I stopped making myself crazy with the autism diagnosis, I could breathe. But, that didn't happen until the epilepsy came along and slapped the shit out of me. It was my wake up call and if anything good came from the seizure disorder it would be how much I realized I am not in control of things and that I need to be more accepting. It's not to say I won't do everything I can to help the Doodle learn and adjust and live a productive life, I'm just not going to be certifiable about it.

Thank you all for your prayers, I know deep down they have helped not just the Doodle but me as well.

Going Grey

*gray hair(s)
1. Lit. a lightening of the hair caused by aging or hereditary factors. (*Typically: get ~ have ~ give someone ∼.) 2. Fig. a lightening of the hair caused by stress or frustration. (*Typically: get ~ have ~ give someone ∼.)

I don't dye my hair...I'm a natural brunette. In the past, I've only dyed it for fun. But, I'm beginning to get grey hairs now and it's not a good feeling. I'm torn because I want to pluck them out but I've heard the old wives tale that claims for every one grey hair you pluck, you will get seven in its place. I'm pushing 42 so obviously I shouldn't find these grey little friends of any surprise but I think I am getting them more from the definition #2 above. Stress. In large doses. Now, not only can I blame stress for my weight gain and overeating but I can say it has made me grey too.

The Little Grey Hair

...I remember yesterday when I found a little grey hair
How I felt like crying alone on the chair
As I’m leaving my youth to a tale of behind
A tinge of sadness trails through my mind.

Yesterday was a beginning for me, now I know
Today I can start to let it all flow
A new release will rush through my veins
As I embrace the God-given gifts and loosen the chains.

By Liz Chukwu©

Up to No Good

"No Mom, honest, I was just sitting here rocking in my little rocking chair that I moved to a new place over here with my back innocently to the t.v. because I like the view much better from this side of the room.""It wasn't so that I could stand on the rocking chair when you weren't looking so that I could change the channels and press all the buttons on the t.v. Be happy that at least I'm wearing my helmet."

So if you have a quiet Doodle in the house not screaming or wanting something, it means he is up to no good or pooping his pants.

Our Best Day

Every year we go to Muelrath'sPumpkin Patch which is the cutest, tiniest little pumpkin patch just a couple of miles from our house. I love that it is small and not at all crowded, even on a Sunday. It's the perfect size pumpkin patch for our family and the people there are so nice. I also love that it is fenced in and safe and the Doodle can run around and play. The ground is completely covered in hay. For the first time since April, we took the Doodle's helmet off and put a padded beanie on him instead and let him run around. I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the inside but is has to seriously SUCK to be a little boy and have to wear that helmet every single day of his life.

So today we had the best afternoon at the pumpkin patch EVER! The Doodle is at the age where he is fascinated with all of the pumpkins and actually knows what they are. He loved everything about it. He loved the corn maze, the haunted hay house, climbing the hay stack and of course pushing the cart around with all of the pumpkins in it. We stayed the perfect amount of time before the Doodle could get too overstimulated and start OCDing on things. For that reason, we skipped the hay ride.

Jimmy had fun too. He's really been wanting to go. I think this might be one of the last years he really wants to go to the pumpkin patch with his family (although, I hope NOT) and gets excited about the pumpkin patch. I'm trying to remember when I stopped wanting to go. He's growing up so fast. Today was one of those moments where I wish I could freeze time. But, I'll have plenty of pictures to scrapbook at my scrapbooking retreat next weekend. Oh. Yes. I am too going.

Even my feet are fat

And in desperate need of a pedicure.

Time for the soup diet and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Accept the Apples

What is it about me that when I look at things I can't help but want to fix them or make them a different way.

My body.

My husband.

My friendships.

My house.

The Doodle.

Apples.

I feel strangely impossible to have such a hard time accepting things the way they are without seeing a way to want to improve them, in my eyes. I have set the bar so high with things, that sometimes I think I miss the simple beauty in the every day or the way things should be; right or wrong...perfect or imperfect.

The control-freak in me rears it's ugly head and I want things the way I had always imagined they be, not the way they are. I have a hard time accepting things for the way they are and that is a downfall.

Take my body for example. No. Nevermind. Let me use another example because that one is too far gone and might not be coming back any time soon.

Instead, take the Doodle. I see such potential in him. He has some amazing qualities and is very bright although severely delayed, but I was getting so lost in the diagnosis of autism and the epileptic seizures. I have a vision for the Doodle and it's been hard for me to let it go and accept what's going to be is going to be.

I hate that I can't fix it. I can't make him talk or be healthy. I can't make him learn the things he should have already learned by now and be perfect and all caught up. And for a mom, it's heartbreaking even though I know I must accept it. Part of me feels like when I accept it, I am giving up and that's another blog post.

Then there's the husband. Oh the Husband. But that too is another blog post or perhaps it's very own BLOG. Let's just say who ever came up with the saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" was a genius. Note to self...great name for a new BLOG (Old Dog) written anonymously of course.

There's the house, which I guess will always be my work in progress and be "unfinished" to me because there is constantly something else I want to do to it...be it paint a room or get a new piece of furniture or plant a TREE.

Friendships for me are few. I have a lot of acquaintances and people I know but the kind of best friend I remember having in 4th grade--Janey Baswell--no longer exists for me. And it's a role I have been trying to fill again since junior high. I have set the bar so high for friendship, that I often tend to allow myself to feel disappointed by people; so then I stop trying. And many friendships have left the building...I decide I am too old and too busy to have to invest unreciprocated time and energy into someone whom I think I do not matter to.

Bitter. Table for One...

Let's not forget the apples. Doesn't matter if they are a Golden Delicious or Granny Smith...I see a gorgeous, ripe apple and all I want to do is make an apple crisp or an apple pie. Why can't I just love and cherish the apple for being a magical fruit? The kind of fruit that is already so perfect that it is supposed to keep the doctor away. The fruit that tempted Adam.

Meetings

Did you get the call about the meeting we scheduled? We'll be sure to follow up with a debrief of the meeting, meeting. And then we'll have a follow up call to our debrief meeting, meeting where we can sit and talk about the same thing we met about last year and again this year. And then we're going to send you some paper work from our meeting that no one is going to actually look at or implement but at least we're meeting about it and creating a paper trail that proves we were all at the meeting.

The worst part about these meetings is that they don't even have snacks. Is it too much to ask to bust out some donut holes and bad coffee?

Hmph.

Yes, I am a bit of a complainer. As I'm sure you've concluded by now.

I love that the Doodle is getting so many wonderful autism and special needs services don't get me wrong...but with so many agencies involved there seems to be nothing but meetings and follow ups and in home visits. Every day I have an Aid of some sort here in the house and when I'm not having a meeting about the Doodle, I'm having a meeting at the school for Jimmy. So there's the appointments with the aids and then there is the meetings with Supervisors of the aids. Then there's meeting with the Regional Center and there's meetings with the Teachers and there's meeting with the Nursing Agency and there's meetings to determine if these services are needed or necessary or can be continued. Blah. Blah. Blah.

At our last IEP Meeting back in A U G U S T , we discussed that the Doodle would be receiving Physical Therapy (PT and OT is special needs kids buzz abs--abs is short for abbreviations). There it was written on that legal document they call an IEP (Individualized Education Plan--more terms to catch up on for special needs kids acronyms) that the Doodle is supposed to be getting 80 minutes per month of OT and an evaluation to determine the amount of minutes he should be receiving PT. Do you think that's happened yet? No. He has been in school now for over a month and is supposed to be getting these services but has not. And, we already had a meeting about it. So now, I get to have another meeting about it. I met with his Special Ed Preschool Teacher yesterday where she told me she didn't know about this.

"Hmmmm", I said, "But you were sitting at the IEP Meeting when this was decided. And, you have a copy of the IEP so I'm not sure how you don't know
about it".

I get it that things fall through the cracks, that things get overlooked...but when that happens you take responsibility for said things, apologize and move on. She looked at me straight in the face and told me that this must have happened because of the Doodle's inner district transfer or some bull crap like that. I told her, he never went to another school first and reminded her again that she was actually present, physically anyway, at the IEP meeting and it shouldn't matter if he came from Mars...the point being he has lost over a month of PT and OT services.

Damn.

So now, we're gearing up for another meeting about the meeting and whether an addendum needs to be written so we can meet about it. I will have to fit this all in, in my spare time. Time that I have so little of already to rehash more of the same. Lucky for me I am skilled in time management and can schedule these meetings in between my 40 hour a week full time job and trying to care for my family.

I received some great advice the other day from a nice lady I met online with a special needs child...she said not to make myself crazy with all the different appointments, therapies, doctors, counseling, support groups, etc. to just give myself some room to breathe that it is OK to say No Thank You to a therapy appointment or two--PT, OT, Speech, etc for the Doodle. I guess I have been feeling guilty if I don't take advantage of every single opportunity that comes his way in the form of helping him develop something...or catch up...or learn something. But she's right. Sometimes it's too much for one person to handle and juggle and at some level it's not helping if I am a stress case running from meeting to meeting and appointment to appointment and I can't take care of myself and the rest of my family. It's why I have given up Weight Watchers and my weekly therapy sessions...I'm just tired of having to be one more place for one more meeting. When I have a free hour to myself with no kids, the last place I want to be is at Fat Camp or getting analyzed.

So tonight, I am going to set an "intention". My intention is to let go of some of my guilt and say No to some things that don't fit into our crazy schedule so that I can create some space to be a better, happier MOM, daughter, friend, wife and person.

And You Thought You Were Sick and Tired

This is what tired looks like. And sick too.

But there's nothing finer than a clean, cuddly Doodle Bug. Except maybe a Doodle that goes to sleep sometime before 11:30 p.m. which is tonight. It's 9pm and he is fast asleep and I get to put down my laptop and watch a grown up show instead of Wow Wow Wubsy. Maybe I get so irritable because all I get to watch are children's cartoons. If you had to watch hour upon hour of Wonder Pets, Blues Clues and Wow Wow Wubsy, you too might want to kickety-kick something. Instead I was tortured watching some new horrible Courtney Cox sitcom called Cougartown. I actually found myself embarrassed for her.

The Doodle is still getting over his cold. It's amazing that I never got it. Poor Doodle's face is all red and irritated from the constant wiping large amounts of SNOT. He's such a trooper with letting me use the suction to suck it out. I know, I know, too much information...

Good times. Hopefully, CSI New York will be better.

The Family that Eats Together

OK, so you might not be able to tell in this particular picture because of the noticable Pusses on the Family's faces but our family is really loving our new little eating area. Maybe they're just a little irritated that I jumped up to grab the camera or Hamburger Helper isn't their favorite thing to eat in the whole wide world, which I can't imagine why because it does just fine by itself. We've been eating all of our dinners together around a table instead of on the couch or sitting side-by-side at our island/bar.

And in answer to your burning question, Yes the Doodle most certainly is wearing a red cape. Im wearing one too but you can't see it because I'm taking the picture.

Last night Grammy and Papa joined us as for a farewell dinner before their 3 week trip to Greece and Turkey and some other far away places. They can now join us at our table because I just bought 5 chairs to go around the table. Uhm, yes, at a garage sale. Really cute Mexican pine ladder back type of chairs and to find out how much I paid, you'll have to read my other blog, "TAH DAH" :

http://tah-da.blogspot.com/ or just click on the chandelier to the right of this blog.

Before anyone starts eating, we have a new tradition to say Grace or a blessing and you can say anything you want as long as there is no profanity and you remember to be thankful for something that day. We go around the table and take turns. The Doodle, as impatient as he is, even puts his little hands together like he's praying.

Speaking of prayers...I think they are working. I hate to even bring it up or even type it because I'm so superstitious about jinxing it, but besides some very strange shakes and screams in the middle of the night, the Doodle has been virtually seizure free for over two weeks. So thank you to everyone who continues to pray for the Doodle and send good wishes our way. It's working!

Peyton

Please say a prayer for the Doodle's little friend Peyton who is going in for an MRI on his spine tomorrow. I know his parents have been worried sick all week yet trying to think positive thoughts. At a routine doctor's appointment last week the Doctor thought he might have a tethered spine which would require spine surgery.

Peyton is such a sweet little boy with the brightest blue eyes you have ever seen.

We are hoping and praying that he is going to be fine. Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs to Peyton and his family. They've already been through so much.

Poor little guy

Doodle Bug is still not feeling good. Cold. Runny Nose. Cough.

I will be keeping him home from school tomorrow and he doesn't get to walk

the garbage down the road with the Boys tonight.

Things I'll Never Understand

Why the marketing genius at Starburst Fruit Chews refuses to make a packet of red ones only.

OK. Ouch. And the “bro hug”? Hug it out or don’t hug it out, you know?


Why is this show on?

DMV trick questions.
Puh-lease.
Doctors that smoke.
When you lose your glasses, how are you supposed to see to find them?

A Shot in the Dark

We've been so lucky. The Doodle has only been sick once since last February when he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. Prior to the surgery, he was always sick...cough, sore throat, runny nose. He was on so many antibiotics as a baby I thought for sure his body became immune to them and they just weren't working.

The Doodle came home sick from school today. Preschool is great but this is the first time he's been out and around any other kids besides Jimmy. Now he is touching and breathing millions of new germs 4 days a week. It's so irritating to me that parents send their children to school sick. There should be a fine for parents who send their kids to school like that. They should be called back to school to pick them up, but first stoned and lambasted in the quad and it filmed so that it can be put on Youtube.

When the Doodle gets sick, the seizure activity goes up. In our house, fevers = seizures in our already seizure prone child. The problem with seizures is that they feed off themselves, the more seizures your brain has, the more it's going to have. They multiply like spores and they mirror each other. So if you start with seizures on one side of the brain, the other side begins to copy it and then you have a chain reaction. I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that this cold or flu does not trigger the seizures to start back up again--Because we seemed to have finally gotten them under control for now, through medicine, luck, prayer or some kind of anti-seizure miracle.

So even with washing the hands and spraying large amounts of this:

And wiping things down with these

He's still sick. Cough, runny nose, dark circles, sleeplessness, low grade fever. Actually, both boys are sick. Which means, we're (Jim and I) probably going to get it. I wish I could send the Doodle to school in one of these:

I could spray it down with Lysol before he left for school and it might help. It would serve another purpose by protecting him in case of a seizure too. My little Epileptic Knight in Shining Armour.

I'm listening to and reading about so many different reports and perspectives on whether to get a flu shot or not. Personally, I've never ever had one. Beside hating shots, I could not fathom purposely injecting myself with a flu virus to fight the flu virus. I know there is a method to the madness and this is supposed to work but I still can't wrap my tiny brain around it. What bothers me is how do they know which Flu virus is going to be coming around each year ahead of time in order to inject you with the right one? I get it if they have a vaccination for the Swine Flu H1N1 but if they are just injecting with you a best guess for the flu in general, I think it's a little risky. What are the odds you are going to get THAT flu? And I hear that so many people get sick right after getting the flu shot anyway.

Vaccinating the Doodle is a hard subject for me. He has had almost all of his vaccinations. But, I stopped vaccinating him after he began having seizures last January. I just could not put another potentially harmful toxin into his already sick little body and give his brain one more thing to process and his weak little body something new to deal with. I have been listening intently and reading profusely about the subject of vaccinating. Jimmy had all of his vaccinations...no questions asked. Yes, I can't help but feel that not all kids are created with the same immune system and equipped to handle the same dose and amount of injections. It scares the hell out me. At this point, for me, I think vaccinations are a shot in the dark.

Progress

 

This might not look like much but for an autistic Doodle it speaks volumes! A lot of autistic children don't know how to play with toys or have different ways to play with them. This has been the case for the Doodle. They might obsess about spinning the wheels or opening the car doors and not play with the car as it might have been intended in an imitation type of play. So out of no where, all by himself tonight he took his little Jeep that goes with his Daddy garage and wheeled it around the house. He rolled it and for a minute he was perfectly content playing by himself. Then I interrupted him to take a couple of pictures to document this MILESTONE which through him off track and then he immediately began obsessing about opening and closing the hood of the jeep...taking it on and off and on and off and on and off.

Baby steps.