Life moves fast. When I'm not physically running around, I have things running through my mind at warp-speed. It's hard to quiet my brain which must be the reason I am completely incapable of meditation. Of course this "running thing" is a metaphor because otherwise that would mean exercise for me and I do not actually run. I've tried to run before and it hurts. I think I waited too long to become a jogger. The bigger you get, the more uncomfortable it is. So I stopped doing that and now I just walk really fast.
But Jimmy loves to run. And good for him. He's young and long and lean. And the Doodle, well he can shuffle-sprint around. He looks like he might be running but he doesn't bend his knees or push off with the balls of his flat little feet so it looks like a really fast Penguin trying to get somewhere in a hurry. I should really put a sample on Youtube.
I've been sitting here thinking about all of the things I have to do and deadlines to meet and appointments to keep. There is work, school, family and the house. Fall is a crazy busy time...we have Halloween, Jimmy's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Back to School, my holiday boutique and then before you know it, it's Christmas and New Years. For years I have been just eeeking by, getting things done; finishing things and crossing things off my rhetorical To Do List.
It's like raking leaves in autumn.
I've been so busy for so long that I've been putting my spirituality on the back burner of my life. When do I have time for spirituality? I feel like my days run together and I don't have time to stop, breathe, empty and have grace. Except now "my life" is no longer just my life...it is now Our Lives since I have a family to consider.
Although, with all that has been happening in our lives with the Doodle's health, I feel it has brought me closer to God. At least now I am in conversation with Him daily. I've been searching for answers and there have been so many amazing people there for me. Praying for me. Praying for the Doodle. Praying for US. Thank you for your generosity.
Along with what has been happening with the Doodle, I think about the rest of my family and especially Jimmy and feeling bad for what kind of role model I must be to not go to church regularly. I never wanted to be a hypocrite and just go to be going or out of obligation or guilt; even though I Believe. I never wanted to be sitting there in church pouring over my To Do list in my head or thinking about what to make for dinner or wondering if I needed an oil change. I wanted to be fully present and didn't feel like I would be and I always felt that He might consider that just as bad as not going at all. I was always so busy, running. So I stayed home and hid behind my hectic life.
Now I have a family. I am older. I have different values and beliefs and I know that I must make the time and set the example. If not now, when? I bought a Christian cd and I have it in my car. I've been listening to it every day and really trying to hear the words. My dear friend Lisa sent me the links today to some wonderful and profound children's songs from Primary. They are absolutely beautiful. And touching. And if I close my eyes, I can see Jimmy or even the Doodle standing and singing these songs. I know what you're thinking, listening to the music isn't the same as worshiping or going to church and neither is going to a Church rummage sale...but these are my babysteps right now.
The real question buried in all this text might be to ask myself what have I been running from all of these years?
I have a Bible but haven't found the courage to pick it up and begin reading it. Honestly, it's the most intimidating book I have ever seen and I don't know where to start. I guess the beginning is always a good place to start.
Going to church. Reading the Bible. A stronger relationship with Jesus. These are all on my new To Do List.